The Reality of Parental Estrangement Among Autistic Adults
Bridgette Hamstead
Parental estrangement is an often overlooked but deeply significant reality for many autistic adults. While estrangement can happen in any family for a variety of reasons, autistic individuals experience it at disproportionately high rates. Many autistic adults find themselves disconnected from their families due to ableism, childhood trauma, forced masking, misunderstandings, and lack of acceptance for their neurodivergent identity. The pressure to conform to neurotypical expectations in childhood, combined with the dismissal of autistic needs, can create a dynamic that becomes unsustainable as autistic individuals grow into adulthood and begin to assert their autonomy.
For many autistic people, the process of estrangement is not an impulsive or reactive decision but rather a necessary step toward self-preservation. When a family environment is unsupportive or actively harmful, maintaining ties can lead to continuous emotional distress, burnout, and even physical health consequences. This article explores why parental estrangement happens among autistic adults, the emotional impact of estrangement, and how to navigate grief, healing, and chosen family.
Why Are Autistic Adults More Likely to Become Estranged from Their Parents?
While estrangement is never an easy decision, autistic adults often face unique systemic and interpersonal factors that make distance from family members necessary for survival. These include:
1. Childhood Trauma, Masking, and Forced Conformity
From an early age, many autistic children are pressured to suppress their natural behaviors in order to fit into a neurotypical world. This is often reinforced through explicit and implicit messages from parents, teachers, and therapists. Stimming, sensory needs, communication differences, and routines are frequently pathologized, punished, or dismissed as inappropriate.
Many autistic children also endure behavioral therapies like Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), which focus on compliance rather than true support. These therapies often teach children that their autistic traits are "wrong" or need to be erased, leading to deep-seated trauma.
When autistic adults begin to unmask and embrace their authentic selves, they often face backlash from family members who are uncomfortable with this shift. Parents may resist their child’s self-discovery, insist that they should continue masking, or invalidate their experiences altogether. This often leads to conflict and, in some cases, estrangement.
2. Misunderstanding and Ableism in Families
Many autistic adults report that their parents never fully understood or accepted their neurodivergence. In some cases, parents refuse to acknowledge that their child is autistic, viewing the diagnosis as an insult or as something to be "overcome." Others may acknowledge the diagnosis but continue to dismiss or minimize autistic struggles, insisting that their child is “overreacting” to sensory distress, executive dysfunction, or burnout.
This lack of understanding can make it impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. Autistic adults who assert boundaries—such as requesting clearer communication, reducing sensory overwhelm at family gatherings, or declining small talk—may be met with resistance, gaslighting, or even hostility. Over time, this erodes trust and can push an autistic person toward estrangement as an act of self-protection.
3. Family Rejection of Late Diagnoses or Self-Diagnosis
Many autistic adults receive their diagnosis later in life, often after years of struggling without adequate support. Unfortunately, when an autistic adult shares their diagnosis with family, they are frequently met with denial, dismissal, or outright rejection. Parents might say:
“You’ve always been fine. Why are you making excuses now?”
“You don’t look autistic.”
“You’re just lazy and need to try harder.”
“You were never like that as a kid.”
This rejection can be deeply painful, as it invalidates not only an autistic person’s experiences but also their lifelong struggles. When family members refuse to acknowledge an autistic adult’s identity, it can create an irreparable divide, leading to estrangement.
4. Boundary Violations and Emotional Neglect
Many autistic adults struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries, often because they were never allowed to have them in childhood. If an autistic child’s autonomy was frequently ignored—whether through forced social interactions, ignoring sensory distress, or violating physical space—it becomes much harder to set boundaries as an adult.
However, when autistic adults do enforce boundaries, they often face extreme pushback from family members who feel entitled to their time, energy, and compliance. Parents may react with guilt-tripping, passive aggression, or outright hostility when an autistic adult refuses to engage in unhealthy family dynamics. Over time, repeated boundary violations can make estrangement the only viable option.
The Emotional and Psychological Impact of Estrangement
Estrangement can be both liberating and deeply painful. While it may be necessary for mental health and self-preservation, it often comes with grief, guilt, and social stigma.
Many autistic adults experience complicated grief, mourning not only the loss of their parents but also the loss of the relationship they wished they had. This grief is compounded by societal expectations that family bonds should always be preserved, regardless of the harm they cause.
Additionally, estrangement can lead to isolation, as family gatherings, holidays, and major life events become emotionally fraught. Many estranged autistic adults struggle with feelings of loneliness, particularly if they lack a strong support system outside of their biological family.
Navigating Healing and Chosen Family
While estrangement can be painful, it also opens the door for healing, growth, and the creation of chosen family. Chosen family—people who offer genuine love, respect, and understanding—can provide the support that was missing in childhood.
Here are a few steps that can help in the healing process:
Accept That Grief and Relief Can Coexist – It’s okay to feel both sadness and relief. Estrangement is not an easy decision, but it is often necessary.
Seek Neurodivergent Community – Connecting with other autistic adults, either online or in person, can be incredibly validating and healing.
Set Boundaries Without Guilt – Your mental health matters. If maintaining contact with family is harmful, distance is a valid and necessary choice.
Work Through Internalized Ableism – Many autistic adults struggle with guilt after estrangement, especially if they were conditioned to believe their needs were a burden. Therapy, journaling, and support groups can help challenge these beliefs.
Build a Support System – Surround yourself with friends, mentors, and community members who respect and value your neurodivergence.
Family Should Not Be Conditional
Estrangement among autistic adults is not about resentment or anger—it is often a necessary act of self-protection and reclaiming autonomy. Every person deserves relationships that are built on mutual understanding, respect, and acceptance. If those qualities are absent in a family relationship, then distance—even permanent distance—may be the healthiest choice.
It is crucial to remember that being autistic is not a problem, and advocating for one’s needs is not selfish. Parental estrangement is never easy, but for many autistic adults, it is a step toward healing, self-discovery, and the creation of a life filled with authentic connection and chosen family.
If you are struggling with estrangement or considering it, know that you are not alone. There are communities, resources, and people who see and support you—just as you are.