Parental Estrangement and Autistic Adults: Understanding the Why and What Comes Next

Bridgette Hamstead

Recently, I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Dr. Debra Brause, Psy.D., for an article in Psychology Today about the complex and often painful reality of parental estrangement among autistic adults. The conversation explored the reasons why so many autistic individuals choose to distance themselves from their families and the misunderstandings that lead to these ruptures. The article has sparked necessary discussions about the challenges autistic people face within their families, and I wanted to expand on these ideas with my own lived experience and professional insights.

Estrangement is a deeply personal and multifaceted decision. It is never made lightly, nor is it typically the result of a single event. Instead, estrangement between autistic adults and their parents often comes after years of unmet needs, invalidation, and the repeated experience of being unheard or unseen. Many autistic individuals grow up in families that do not fully understand or accept their neurodivergence. In some cases, parents attempt to force their children to behave in neurotypical ways, sometimes out of love and concern, but often without recognizing the deep harm that comes from insisting an autistic child mask their true self.

For many autistic people, childhood is marked by a profound sense of alienation. Even within a loving family, the experience of being the “different” one—the child who struggles with social cues, sensory sensitivities, executive functioning, or verbal communication—can lead to a lifetime of internalized shame. Some parents, often unintentionally, reinforce this by dismissing or downplaying their child’s distress, framing their struggles as “overreactions” or “excuses” rather than recognizing them as legitimate neurobiological differences. When an autistic adult begins to embrace their identity and reject the pressures to mask, it can create a significant rift with family members who continue to hold onto outdated views of what autism is and isn’t.

Another major factor in estrangement is the emotional toll of growing up in an environment where an autistic person’s needs were chronically unmet. Many autistic adults recall childhood experiences where their sensory sensitivities were ignored, where they were forced into overwhelming social situations, or where they were disciplined for behaviors that were actually natural autistic traits. Others have experienced more overtly harmful parenting, including coercive therapies like Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), which many autistic adults now recognize as deeply traumatic. When autistic individuals begin to process these experiences as adults, they may come to see their family relationships as unsafe or unsustainable.

One of the most common misunderstandings surrounding estrangement is the assumption that autistic individuals do not care about family or relationships. This could not be further from the truth. Many autistic adults long for deep, meaningful connections and have spent years trying to repair relationships with parents who refuse to see them for who they are. The decision to go no-contact is often the result of deep exhaustion—after years of explaining, asking for accommodations, and attempting to bridge the gap, they come to the painful realization that their parents will never change. In many cases, the estrangement is not about a lack of love but rather an act of self-preservation.

For some autistic adults, there is hope for reconciliation. When parents are willing to listen, to acknowledge past mistakes, and to commit to truly understanding and respecting their autistic child’s identity, relationships can be repaired. This requires genuine effort—reading about neurodiversity-affirming perspectives, unpacking one’s own biases, and accepting that autism is not something to be fixed but embraced. It also means respecting boundaries, something that many parents struggle with when their adult children ask for space.

However, not every relationship can or should be mended. Some autistic adults find that estrangement is necessary for their mental health and well-being. In these cases, the focus shifts to healing and building a support network outside of one’s biological family. Found families—communities of people who understand and respect neurodivergence—can provide the unconditional support that was lacking in childhood. These relationships, built on mutual respect and shared experience, can be transformative in the journey toward self-acceptance and healing.

The broader conversation around parental estrangement and autistic adults needs to be approached with compassion and nuance. It is easy to default to societal narratives that frame estrangement as a failing of the adult child or an act of selfishness, but these narratives ignore the very real and painful experiences that lead to such decisions. Instead of asking why so many autistic people are estranged from their parents, we should be asking what systemic and interpersonal changes need to happen to prevent these ruptures in the first place. This means challenging ableism in families, normalizing neurodivergent communication and needs, and ensuring that autistic children grow up feeling safe, validated, and supported.

To those who are struggling with estrangement, know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and your well-being matters. Whether you seek reconciliation or find peace in separation, your boundaries are worth honoring. Healing is not linear, and it is okay to grieve the family relationships you wish you had. But know that there is a community of people out there who understand, who will respect you as you are, and who will offer the acceptance and support that all humans deserve.

For those interested in reading the Psychology Today article that inspired this discussion, you can find it here.

I hope this article continues to spark conversations, not just among autistic adults but also among parents who want to do better by their children. Understanding is the first step toward change, and change is what will ultimately create a world where autistic individuals do not have to choose between their family and their own well-being.