The ‘Good Girl’ Trap: How Gendered Expectations Delay Autism and ADHD Diagnoses
Bridgette Hamstead
From an early age, girls are taught to be quiet, polite, and accommodating. They are praised for being well-behaved, for listening without interrupting, for following the rules, and for putting others' needs ahead of their own. These expectations create the foundation for the "good girl" trap, a social structure that rewards compliance and punishes deviation. For autistic and ADHD women, this trap is particularly damaging. It forces them to mask their natural behaviors, internalize their struggles, and suppress their differences to meet expectations that were never designed with neurodivergent minds in mind. It also plays a significant role in delaying diagnoses, leaving many autistic and ADHD women to spend decades feeling as though they are failing at something they were never meant to succeed at in the first place.
The criteria for diagnosing autism and ADHD were originally developed based on research that focused almost exclusively on young white boys. The traits that define these conditions in medical literature are modeled after how they present in boys, with little consideration for how gendered socialization influences their expression. Boys who struggle with impulsivity, hyperactivity, or social difficulties are more likely to be identified because their behaviors stand out. They are more likely to be disruptive, speak out of turn, struggle with authority, or display visible distress when overwhelmed. Because these outward expressions do not fit into society’s expectations for boys, they are noticed, flagged, and more frequently evaluated for neurodevelopmental conditions. Girls, on the other hand, are expected to be compliant, emotionally mature, and socially adept. When they struggle, they are more likely to internalize their difficulties, leading to a completely different outward presentation of autism and ADHD.
Autistic girls who might otherwise stand out in a clinical setting learn to mask their differences early. They become skilled at mimicking social behaviors, even when they do not understand them. They force themselves to make eye contact, memorize social scripts, and engage in conversations that feel unnatural. Many learn to camouflage their stimming behaviors by replacing them with subtle movements that do not attract attention. Instead of flapping their hands, they might twirl their hair. Instead of rocking, they might bounce a foot under the desk. They become hyper-aware of how they are perceived and develop a constant, exhausting vigilance about their behavior. This type of masking is often encouraged, if not outright demanded, by parents, teachers, and peers. Because they are able to perform neurotypicality so well, their struggles remain invisible to those around them. They are rarely seen as autistic, even when their internal world is full of confusion, anxiety, and exhaustion.
ADHD girls often face a similar fate. They are just as likely to struggle with inattention, executive dysfunction, and hyperactivity as boys, but their symptoms frequently manifest differently. Instead of external hyperactivity, they may experience intense internal restlessness. Their minds race with a thousand thoughts at once, but because they are not physically disruptive, their difficulties are not recognized. Teachers may see them as daydreamers, spacey, or simply "not living up to their potential." They may struggle with organization, forget assignments, or feel overwhelmed by sensory input, but rather than being evaluated for ADHD, they are told they need to try harder, be more responsible, or stop being so emotional. Many girls with ADHD become perfectionists, developing rigid structures and self-imposed rules to compensate for their executive functioning struggles. Others lean into people-pleasing, prioritizing the needs of others over their own as a way to avoid criticism.
The social consequences of the "good girl" trap extend far beyond childhood. Many late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD women grow up believing they are simply failing at life. They often do well in school, where the structured environment helps them stay on track, but struggle immensely in adulthood when they are expected to manage their own schedules, social lives, and responsibilities. Without a diagnosis, they blame themselves for their difficulties, assuming they are just bad at being an adult rather than realizing they have been navigating the world with an entirely different neurotype. The self-doubt and internalized shame that come from years of masking can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and a deep sense of alienation.
The diagnostic delay for autistic and ADHD women has serious consequences. Without an accurate understanding of themselves, many end up with misdiagnoses that do not fully capture their experiences. Instead of autism or ADHD, they may be diagnosed with anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, or even bipolar disorder. While these conditions can and do co-occur with neurodivergence, the misdiagnosis often leads to treatments that do not address the root cause of their struggles. Therapy designed for neurotypical people may not provide the right kind of support, leaving them feeling even more misunderstood. Some turn to medication for anxiety or depression that does little to help, because the underlying issue is not anxiety alone, but a lifetime of unrecognized neurodivergence.
Recognizing and challenging the "good girl" trap is essential to ensuring that autistic and ADHD women receive the diagnosis, support, and accommodations they need. The criteria for diagnosing neurodivergence must be expanded to reflect the ways these conditions present in women, particularly those who have spent their lives masking. Clinicians must be trained to recognize the more subtle expressions of autism and ADHD, rather than relying on outdated stereotypes. Schools and parents must stop rewarding compliance at the expense of self-expression and start recognizing that a quiet, well-behaved child may be struggling just as much as the boy who cannot sit still.
For late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD women, breaking free from the "good girl" trap is a long and often painful process. It means unlearning years of conditioning that told them their needs were not valid. It means allowing themselves to stim, to speak up, to say no, to set boundaries, and to prioritize their own well-being. It means rejecting the idea that their worth is tied to how well they fit into a neurotypical mold. Diagnosis is often the first step, but the real work comes in reclaiming the parts of themselves that were lost to years of masking.
The "good girl" trap has kept countless autistic and ADHD women from receiving the validation, diagnosis, and support they deserve. It has forced them to suppress their true selves in order to meet impossible expectations. It is time for that to change. It is time to stop rewarding quiet suffering and start recognizing the diverse ways in which autism and ADHD manifest in women. No one should have to spend their entire life pretending to be someone they are not just to be accepted. It is not autistic or ADHD women who need to change. It is the way the world sees them.
Recommendations for Late-Diagnosed Autistic and ADHD Women Breaking Free from the “Good Girl” Trap
Acknowledge That You Were Conditioned to Mask
Recognizing that you were raised to suppress your natural behaviors is the first step in unlearning it. Your quietness, politeness, and people-pleasing tendencies were not always choices but survival mechanisms. It is okay to question them now and to ask yourself if they truly serve you or if they were conditioned responses to avoid conflict, rejection, or judgment.Practice Unmasking in Safe Spaces
You do not have to drop your mask all at once, but finding spaces where you can be your authentic self is crucial. Identify supportive environments where you can stim freely, express your true thoughts without filtering, or admit when you are struggling without fear of judgment. Whether it is online neurodivergent communities, trusted friends, or private moments at home, allowing yourself to be fully autistic or ADHD in small ways can be healing.Challenge the Urge to Please Everyone
You were likely taught that your value is in being agreeable, helpful, and easy to get along with. But constantly prioritizing others at your own expense leads to burnout and resentment. Start practicing small ways to assert your needs, whether that means declining invitations without guilt, asking for accommodations, or simply giving yourself permission to take up space without apologizing.Reframe Boundaries as Self-Preservation, Not Rudeness
Saying no is not selfish. Setting limits is not mean. Your boundaries do not make you a bad person, even if they inconvenience others. Autistic and ADHD women are often conditioned to believe that setting limits will lead to rejection, but in reality, those who respect you will respect your boundaries. Start with small steps, like declining an unnecessary obligation or excusing yourself from a conversation that drains you.Recognize That Your Struggles Are Real, Even If No One Validated Them
If you were late-diagnosed, you may have spent years believing your difficulties were personal failings rather than neurodivergent traits. Just because your struggles were ignored or dismissed in the past does not mean they were not real. You do not need external validation to trust your own experiences. Your brain works differently, and that difference is valid.Redefine What Success Looks Like for You
Society’s version of success often revolves around neurotypical standards: a high-powered career, a busy social life, and an ability to multitask effortlessly. Autistic and ADHD women may find that these expectations do not align with their strengths or needs. Success for you might mean working in a quiet, flexible job, having fewer but more meaningful friendships, or structuring your life in a way that prioritizes your well-being over productivity. Your version of success is just as valid as anyone else’s.Let Go of Perfectionism
Many late-diagnosed women develop perfectionist tendencies to compensate for executive dysfunction, social confusion, or the fear of being seen as incapable. This can be exhausting and unsustainable. Learning to accept “good enough” instead of perfection can help reduce stress and allow for more self-compassion.Give Yourself Permission to Rest Without Guilt
The “good girl” trap often teaches women that they must always be productive, accommodating, or useful. Rest is not laziness. You do not need to earn the right to take breaks. Your brain and body need recovery time, and you are allowed to rest simply because you exist, not because you have worked yourself to the point of exhaustion.Reconnect with the Interests You Suppressed
Many late-diagnosed women abandoned or hid their special interests because they were told they were childish, obsessive, or socially unacceptable. Reclaiming those passions is a way to reconnect with your authentic self. Whether it is a childhood hobby you loved, a subject you always wanted to explore, or a creative outlet you lost touch with, give yourself permission to enjoy it fully.Seek Support from Other Neurodivergent Women
Finding community among other late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD women can be life-changing. Many of the experiences you thought were unique to you—masking, burnout, misdiagnosis, struggles with friendships, sensory sensitivities—are shared by others who understand them deeply. Online forums, support groups, or even social media spaces can provide a sense of belonging that was missing for much of your life.Advocate for Accommodations Without Shame
Whether in the workplace, in healthcare, or in social settings, asking for accommodations is a right, not a weakness. You do not have to force yourself through overwhelming environments just because you always have. Requesting clear communication, sensory-friendly spaces, or flexibility in routines is not asking for special treatment; it is asking for the basic support you need to function well.Recognize That You Deserve Care and Kindness
If you spent years being told that your needs were too much, that your struggles were imaginary, or that you just needed to try harder, you may have internalized those messages. You deserve care, patience, and understanding just as much as anyone else. Being autistic or ADHD does not make you broken or unworthy of kindness.Forgive Yourself for the Time You Lost Before Diagnosis
Many late-diagnosed women grieve the years they spent struggling without understanding why. It is painful to look back and wonder how life could have been different if you had known earlier. But you were surviving in the only way you knew how, with the information and tools available to you at the time. Your past self did the best she could. Now, with the knowledge of your neurodivergence, you can begin building a future that honors who you truly are.Stop Apologizing for Existing Differently
Autistic and ADHD women are often conditioned to apologize constantly—apologizing for needing time to think before responding, for asking questions, for declining social events, for simply existing in a way that differs from the norm. You do not need to apologize for being neurodivergent. You do not need to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.Celebrate Your Strengths Instead of Only Focusing on Your Struggles
The narrative around autism and ADHD often focuses on difficulties and deficits, but neurodivergent brains have incredible strengths. Deep focus, creativity, empathy, pattern recognition, problem-solving, and innovation are just a few. Society may have spent years convincing you that your differences were weaknesses, but they are also your greatest assets. You deserve to recognize and celebrate them.
Breaking free from the “good girl” trap is not easy. It requires unlearning years of conditioning, challenging deep-seated beliefs, and reprogramming how you see yourself. But every step you take toward embracing your authentic self is an act of resistance against a system that was never built for you. You are not failing at being a good girl. You are succeeding at being yourself, and that is far more important.