Why Autistic People Hate ‘Small Talk’ (And Why That’s Okay)

Bridgette Hamstead

Small talk has long been seen as an essential social skill, a way to ease into conversations, establish rapport, and navigate everyday interactions. For many autistic people, however, small talk feels unnatural, exhausting, and even pointless. It can be difficult to engage in conversations about the weather, weekend plans, or casual observations when our brains are wired for deeper, more meaningful discussions. While small talk is often intended as a form of social bonding, it can feel like a barrier rather than a bridge, leaving many of us frustrated or disconnected. The expectation to engage in it, especially in workplaces, social settings, and everyday encounters, creates unnecessary pressure and can contribute to feelings of alienation.

One of the reasons small talk is so difficult for autistic people is that it lacks depth and purpose. Many of us thrive on conversations that explore complex ideas, personal interests, or meaningful topics. When someone asks how we are doing, we may take the question literally and struggle to offer the expected response. It can feel unnatural to say we are fine when we are overwhelmed, exhausted, or simply unsure how to summarize our feelings in a socially acceptable way. We value honesty and directness, and small talk often feels like an exercise in saying things without really saying anything at all. This can make it difficult to engage in casual conversations without feeling like we are performing a script that does not reflect how we actually think or feel.

Another challenge with small talk is that it often requires fast-paced, back-and-forth exchanges that do not allow for the time we may need to process and formulate responses. Many autistic people experience differences in how we process language and social cues. The rapid nature of small talk, where one topic shifts quickly to another, can make it hard to keep up or find an entry point into the conversation. When conversations stay on the surface, it can also feel like there is no opportunity to truly connect. Many of us crave deep, meaningful discussions where we can explore ideas, share our thoughts fully, and engage in a way that feels authentic. When small talk dominates social interactions, it can leave us feeling disconnected and unseen.

Sensory sensitivities also play a role in why small talk can be so exhausting. Many social settings where small talk takes place are full of background noise, multiple conversations happening at once, and other distractions that make it difficult to focus. Filtering out unnecessary information while trying to engage in a conversation that does not feel natural can be overwhelming. In environments like offices, parties, or casual gatherings, the expectation to participate in small talk can feel like an additional layer of sensory overload rather than an opportunity to connect.

Despite the challenges we face with small talk, there is often an expectation that we should just learn to do it better. Many of us have been told throughout our lives that small talk is necessary for building relationships, succeeding in the workplace, and being seen as friendly or approachable. We may have even spent years forcing ourselves to engage in it, memorizing scripts, or trying to mimic neurotypical conversation patterns in order to fit in. But for many autistic people, this comes at a significant cost. It drains our energy, forces us to mask our natural communication styles, and can leave us feeling disconnected from our own authenticity.

What often gets overlooked is that autistic people do communicate, just differently. We are not disinterested in conversation, nor do we lack the ability to connect. In fact, many of us have a deep love for discussion, especially when it revolves around our interests or allows us to engage in thoughtful, in-depth exchanges. While small talk may feel meaningless to us, deep conversations about science, history, philosophy, social issues, or personal experiences bring us joy and fulfillment. When we are given the space to talk about things that matter to us, we light up, our passion becomes evident, and we engage in ways that feel natural and rewarding.

Autistic people excel at conversations that explore ideas, solve problems, or exchange knowledge. We thrive when we are able to skip the small talk and get straight to the point. Many of us find it easier to communicate through shared activities, written communication, or structured discussions rather than through casual, off-the-cuff exchanges. While neurotypical culture often prioritizes small talk as a social skill, it does not mean that our way of communicating is less valuable. Different does not mean deficient, and the expectation that all social interactions must begin with small talk does not serve everyone equally.

There is something powerful about embracing the way we naturally communicate rather than forcing ourselves to fit into neurotypical expectations. Autistic people should not feel ashamed or broken for struggling with small talk. We deserve social spaces where our communication styles are recognized and respected. Instead of being pressured to conform, we should be encouraged to engage in conversations that feel meaningful to us. When we are allowed to communicate in ways that align with how our brains work, we not only feel more comfortable but also more connected to those around us.

For those who interact with autistic people, understanding that small talk is not necessary for connection can be incredibly helpful. Instead of expecting us to engage in conversations about surface-level topics, inviting us into discussions about things we care about can make a significant difference. Giving us time to process and respond rather than expecting quick, socially scripted answers allows for more meaningful engagement. Recognizing that communication is not one-size-fits-all helps build relationships that are based on authenticity rather than performance.

Autistic people do not hate conversation. We just experience it differently. While small talk may feel unnatural to us, it does not mean we do not want to connect. We value honesty, depth, and meaningful exchanges, and when we are given the opportunity to communicate in ways that align with how we think and process the world, we thrive. There is nothing wrong with preferring deep conversations over small talk. It is time to recognize that neurodivergent communication styles are just as valid and valuable as neurotypical ones. Instead of forcing ourselves to engage in a type of conversation that drains us, we should celebrate the way we communicate best.

Recommendations for Autistic People Who Struggle with Small Talk

1. Acknowledge That Small Talk Is Not a Requirement
   Many of us have been told that small talk is necessary for relationships, work, and social success, but that is not entirely true. While it can serve as an entry point for some conversations, it is not the only way to connect with others. You are not broken for disliking or struggling with it.

2. Steer the Conversation Toward Meaningful Topics
   If small talk feels exhausting, try gently guiding the conversation toward something that interests you. If someone brings up the weather, you could respond with, “Yeah, it has been rainy all week. I was just reading about how different climates affect mental health—have you ever looked into that?” This allows you to engage in a way that feels more natural.

3. Use Scripts and Short Responses When Needed
   If you often feel caught off guard in social situations, having a few go-to responses can help. A simple “I’m doing well, how about you?” or “Busy day today” can be enough to satisfy social expectations without draining too much energy. You do not have to go into detail unless you want to.

4. Find Alternative Ways to Communicate
   If spoken small talk is overwhelming, look for ways to engage in conversations that work better for you. Some autistic people find written communication, texting, or structured discussions easier to manage. If face-to-face conversations are stressful, online forums or email might be better options for socializing.

5. Set Boundaries Around Conversations That Drain You
   You are allowed to excuse yourself from conversations that feel overwhelming. If small talk is happening in a group setting, it is okay to step away, listen without engaging, or change the subject when possible. If you do not have the energy for a casual chat, you can say, “I’d love to catch up another time, but I’m feeling a little overstimulated right now.”

6. Recognize That Small Talk Can Be a Means to an End
   While small talk may not be fulfilling, sometimes it serves as a bridge to deeper conversations. Engaging in a little bit of casual chatting can sometimes lead to topics that feel more meaningful. If small talk is unavoidable, treating it as a brief stepping stone rather than a necessary skill might make it easier to tolerate.

7. Surround Yourself with People Who Respect Your Communication Style
   Finding people who appreciate deep conversations and do not rely on small talk can make social interactions much more comfortable. Seek out friends, colleagues, or online communities where in-depth discussions are welcomed.

8. Give Yourself Permission to Opt Out
   There is no rule that says you must engage in small talk just because others expect it. If it drains you, you are allowed to limit it. Saying a polite “I’ve got to run” or “I’ll let you all keep chatting” is enough to remove yourself from a conversation that is not serving you.

9. Use Non-Verbal Cues When Possible
   If verbal small talk is too overwhelming, simple gestures like nodding, smiling, or making brief acknowledgments can be enough to participate in a conversation without fully engaging. This can be useful in situations like work meetings or social gatherings where small talk is expected.

10. Embrace Your Natural Communication Style
    You do not need to force yourself to engage in conversations that feel unnatural just to meet neurotypical expectations. The way you communicate is valid. Deep conversations, info-dumping, parallel play, and other non-traditional forms of connection are just as meaningful as small talk. Focus on the ways of socializing that feel authentic and fulfilling to you.

Scripts for Navigating Small Talk in Different Situations

At Work

Responding to Casual Work Chatter When You Do Not Want to Engage:
"Hey, hope your morning is going well! I need to get back to my task, but I’ll catch up later."

Handling “How Was Your Weekend?” When You Do Not Want to Give a Long Answer:
"It was nice, thanks. How about you?"
(If they give a longer answer and you do not feel like continuing, nod and say, “That sounds great! I hope the week goes well for you.”)

Shifting the Conversation to Something Work-Related:
"I did a bit of relaxing over the weekend. By the way, I wanted to ask you about [work-related topic]."

Exiting a Conversation Gracefully:
"It’s been great chatting, but I need to get back to work. Have a good one!"

In Social Settings

Responding to “How are you?” in a Way That Feels Natural:
"I’m doing alright. What about you?"
"I’m hanging in there. Anything interesting going on with you?"

Deflecting Questions About Personal Life That Feel Overwhelming:
"Oh, I’ve just been keeping busy with things. What about you?"
"Not much new on my end, but I’d love to hear about what’s been going on with you!"

Shifting the Conversation to Something More Meaningful:
"I’ve actually been thinking a lot about [topic you enjoy]. Have you ever looked into that?"
"Small talk is hard for me, but I love talking about [special interest]. Do you have anything you’re really into right now?"

Exiting a Conversation Without Being Abrupt:
"I need to step away for a bit, but it was great talking to you!"
"I’m going to go grab some food/drink, but let’s chat again soon."

With Family or Acquaintances

Handling Unsolicited Advice or Personal Questions:
"I appreciate you asking, but I’d rather not get into that right now."
"That’s something I’m still figuring out, but thanks for checking in!"

Politely Ending a Conversation That Is Draining:
"It’s been great catching up, but I need to recharge for a bit. Talk soon!"
"I’m feeling a little overstimulated, so I’m going to take a break. Thanks for understanding!"

Redirecting the Conversation to Avoid Small Talk:
"I always find small talk tricky, but I love talking about [shared interest]. Have you read or seen anything interesting lately?"
"I’m not great at casual chatting, but I’d love to hear about something you’re really into!"

For Online or Text-Based Conversations

Responding to a Check-In Without Feeling Overwhelmed:
"Thanks for checking in! I don’t have the energy for a long conversation right now, but I really appreciate it."
"I’m doing okay, just keeping to myself a bit. How about you?"

Letting Someone Know You Need Time to Respond:
"I saw your message and want to reply when I have the energy to fully engage. I’ll get back to you soon!"

Scripts for Specific Situations

At Networking Events or Professional Gatherings

Handling Introductions Without Feeling Overwhelmed:
"Hi, I’m [Your Name]. I work in [your field or role]. What kind of work do you do?"
"It’s nice to meet you! What brings you to this event?"

Navigating Small Talk Without Getting Stuck:
"I always find networking events tricky, but I really enjoy talking about [industry topic]. What’s your take on [recent news in your field]?"
"I sometimes struggle with small talk, but I love hearing about what excites people. What’s been the most interesting thing you’ve worked on lately?"

Exiting a Conversation Gracefully:
"I really enjoyed chatting with you. I’m going to circulate a bit, but let’s stay in touch!"
"It was great to meet you! I want to make sure I talk to a few more people before I go, but I hope we can connect again soon."

In Work Meetings or Professional Settings

Steering Away from Small Talk to Focus on Work:
"I’d love to jump into our agenda so we can make the most of our time."
"That sounds interesting! Before we wrap up, I wanted to ask about [work-related topic]."

Participating in Icebreakers When You Do Not Like Them:
"I find icebreakers a bit tricky, but I love talking about [special interest or hobby]. One thing I’ve been enjoying lately is [your interest]."
"I don’t always know what to say for icebreakers, but I’m really into [topic]. If anyone has recommendations for [books, podcasts, shows], I’d love to hear them!"

Ending Conversations with Colleagues Without Seeming Dismissive:
"I’d love to keep chatting, but I need to get back to my tasks. Let’s catch up again soon!"
"This has been a great discussion. I have another project to focus on, but thanks for the conversation!"

Dating and Socializing

Handling First Conversations on Dates Without Small Talk:
"I’m not a big fan of small talk, but I love deep conversations. What’s something you’re really passionate about?"
"Instead of talking about the weather, let’s get straight to the fun stuff. If you could spend a year doing anything you wanted, what would it be?"

Setting Expectations About Communication Styles:
"I sometimes struggle with fast-paced conversations, so I like having a little extra time to think before I respond. I just wanted to mention that in case I ever seem quiet—it’s not that I’m not engaged!"
"I prefer deep discussions over chit-chat, so if I jump into big topics right away, that’s just how I connect."

Exiting a Social Situation That Feels Overwhelming:
"I’ve really enjoyed this, but I’m starting to get overstimulated. I think I need to head out, but I’d love to talk again soon!"
"I’m feeling a bit drained, so I’m going to call it a night. Thanks for the great conversation!"

Handling Family Gatherings and Social Obligations

Responding to “How Are You?” Without Getting Into Too Much Detail:
"I’m doing alright, thanks! How have you been?"
"It’s been a busy time, but I’m managing. What’s new with you?"

Deflecting Intrusive or Overwhelming Questions:
"That’s a big question! I’m still figuring things out, but I appreciate you asking."
"I’d rather not get into that right now, but I’d love to hear about what you’ve been up to!"

Leaving a Social Event Without Feeling Awkward:
"This has been great, but I need a little recharge time. Thanks for having me!"
"I’ve really enjoyed seeing everyone, but I’m feeling a bit overstimulated. I think I’m going to head out and get some quiet time."

Handling Online or Text-Based Conversations

Letting Someone Know You Are Not Up for a Long Chat:
"Hey! I wanted to check in, but I don’t have the energy for a long conversation right now. Hope you’re doing well!"
"I appreciate your message! I’m keeping to myself a bit today, but I’ll reach out soon."

Setting Boundaries with Frequent Messages:
"I really value our conversations, but I sometimes need time between messages to recharge. If I don’t reply right away, it’s nothing personal—I just process things best in my own time."
"I love talking with you, but I’m not always able to respond quickly. Just wanted to let you know in case there’s ever a delay!"