Why So Many Neurodivergent People Struggle with a Sense of Self
Bridgette Hamstead
Part One
For many neurodivergent people, the concept of identity and self-perception is far more complicated than it seems on the surface. From an early age, many autistic individuals, ADHDers, and other neurodivergent people learn that the way they think, feel, and express themselves does not align with societal expectations. The constant need to navigate a world that prioritizes neurotypical norms often forces them to suppress or alter their natural responses, leading to a lifelong struggle with self-identity. This can manifest as chronic uncertainty about who they are, difficulties in recognizing and expressing emotions, and a deep sense of alienation from both themselves and those around them.
One major factor contributing to this struggle is alexithymia, a condition that affects emotional awareness and expression. Many autistic people experience alexithymia, which makes it difficult to identify and describe their own emotions. Rather than intuitively recognizing feelings like frustration, sadness, or excitement, they may only sense an overwhelming internal state that they cannot name or process effectively. This can make self-reflection difficult, as emotions play a fundamental role in understanding one’s own desires, boundaries, and experiences. Without clear emotional markers to guide decision-making and self-perception, many neurodivergent individuals feel disconnected from their own internal world.
In addition to alexithymia, identity masking plays a significant role in shaping how neurodivergent individuals relate to themselves. Masking refers to the learned behavior of suppressing neurodivergent traits to appear more neurotypical. This can include mimicking facial expressions, forcing eye contact, scripting conversations, or consciously monitoring tone and body language to fit social expectations. Many autistic and ADHD individuals begin masking in childhood as a survival strategy, often in response to negative feedback from parents, teachers, or peers who signal—explicitly or implicitly—that their natural behaviors are wrong. Over time, this masking becomes so ingrained that it is difficult to distinguish the authentic self from the constructed persona created for social acceptance.
The long-term consequences of masking can be profound. Many neurodivergent people, especially those diagnosed later in life, express feeling as though they do not know who they truly are because they have spent so much time performing a version of themselves that feels acceptable to others. They may struggle with identifying their own preferences, interests, or needs, because they have spent years defaulting to whatever was expected of them. This often leads to deep exhaustion, burnout, and dissociation from their own identity. When masking is necessary for professional success, social relationships, or even safety, it becomes even harder to unlearn. The fear of being misunderstood or rejected keeps many from dropping the mask, even in spaces that claim to be neurodiversity-affirming.
Neurodivergence also influences self-perception in ways that go beyond masking and emotional awareness. Many autistic people experience a strong sense of cognitive and emotional divergence from those around them, leading to a persistent feeling of "otherness." Social norms that come naturally to neurotypical individuals—such as small talk, reading subtext, or recognizing subtle social cues—may feel confusing, frustrating, or meaningless to neurodivergent people. As a result, many internalize the belief that they are failing at something fundamental, reinforcing a fractured sense of self. Repeated experiences of social rejection or misunderstanding only deepen this perception, making it difficult to develop a stable, confident identity.
ADHDers, too, often struggle with self-perception due to the executive functioning challenges that come with their neurotype. Many people with ADHD describe feeling like they are constantly at odds with their own brain, forgetting important tasks, struggling with motivation, or feeling incapable of following through on goals despite deep intentions to succeed. This can create a fractured sense of identity where one’s abilities and aspirations feel completely misaligned. The inconsistency of ADHD symptoms—excelling in one area while struggling in another—can make it difficult for individuals to understand their own capabilities, leading to feelings of frustration, shame, and imposter syndrome.
Another critical factor that shapes self-identity in neurodivergent people is the way they are perceived and labeled by the outside world. Many grow up hearing messages that they are "too much," "too sensitive," "too intense," "too weird," or "too lazy." These external judgments become internalized over time, influencing the way neurodivergent individuals see themselves. Instead of being given the language to understand their differences as valid and natural, many receive only the message that they are failing to meet an impossible standard. This leads to a distorted self-image, where self-worth is tied to how well they can conform rather than how well they can honor their own needs and strengths.
The intersection of neurodivergence with other marginalized identities can further complicate the struggle with self-identity. For autistic and ADHD individuals who are also LGBTQIA+, racial minorities, or otherwise marginalized, the pressures of assimilation and survival are even greater. These individuals are often forced to navigate multiple layers of identity suppression, making it even harder to develop a sense of self that feels whole. Many autistic transgender and nonbinary people, for example, describe struggling with gender identity due to difficulties with introspection and the disconnect caused by years of masking both autistic and gender-divergent traits. Without affirming support systems, this intersectional experience can lead to prolonged confusion and distress.
Despite these challenges, many neurodivergent people find ways to reclaim and redefine their sense of self. Engaging in special interests, for example, can be a powerful way for neurodivergent individuals to connect with their identity. Special interests provide a source of joy, stability, and self-expression that is often free from external judgment. They allow neurodivergent people to exist in a space where they can fully immerse themselves in something meaningful without the constraints of societal expectations. These deep passions and fixations can serve as anchors in an otherwise unstable sense of identity, offering a tangible way to reconnect with what feels authentic.
Community and validation also play a crucial role in rebuilding self-perception. Finding other neurodivergent individuals who share similar experiences can be life-changing, offering a mirror that reflects back a more accurate and affirming image of oneself. Many late-diagnosed neurodivergent people describe the experience of connecting with neurodivergent peers as a moment of clarity, where they finally feel seen and understood in a way they never have before. These connections help to dismantle the internalized shame and self-doubt that years of masking and misunderstanding have created.
Therapeutic support, when neurodiversity-affirming, can also be beneficial in the process of unlearning harmful self-perceptions and rebuilding a more authentic sense of self. Therapy that validates neurodivergent experiences rather than forcing conformity to neurotypical expectations can help individuals process past trauma, understand their emotional landscape, and develop self-compassion. Learning to embrace one's neurodivergence as a fundamental part of identity—rather than something to overcome—can be a profound shift in self-acceptance.
The journey toward understanding oneself as a neurodivergent person is complex and deeply personal. It requires unlearning years of internalized ableism, breaking free from the expectations of others, and allowing space for authentic self-exploration. It is not always a linear process, and setbacks are common, especially in a world that continues to demand conformity at the expense of individuality. But through community, self-compassion, and a commitment to embracing neurodivergent ways of thinking, feeling, and being, it is possible to build a sense of self that is whole, affirmed, and deeply rooted in authenticity.
Part Two
Knowing yourself as a neurodivergent person is not always a straightforward process. For many of us, the messages we received growing up taught us that our instincts were wrong, that our preferences were inconvenient, and that our emotions were too intense or too flat. We were often forced to navigate a world that didn't reflect our experiences, making it difficult to develop a clear sense of self. But rediscovering who we are is possible. It takes patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore our own thoughts, feelings, and desires without judgment. Here are some ways to reconnect with yourself and build a strong sense of identity as a neurodivergent person.
One of the most important steps in understanding yourself is giving yourself permission to explore freely—without worrying about how you “should” think, feel, or act. So much of the neurodivergent experience is shaped by external expectations. We learn to conform to what is considered normal or acceptable, and in the process, we lose sight of what actually resonates with us. Ask yourself: What do I genuinely enjoy? What brings me comfort? What makes me feel at peace? Start small. Pay attention to what makes you happy or what feels natural when no one is watching. Whether it’s a childhood hobby you abandoned, a type of clothing that makes you feel safe, or a music genre that stirs something inside you, these preferences are part of your authentic self. Reclaim them.
Recognizing and naming your emotions is another crucial step. Many neurodivergent people experience alexithymia, meaning they have difficulty identifying and describing their emotions. If you often find yourself thinking, “I don’t know how I feel,” or struggling to articulate your emotions beyond “good” or “bad,” you are not alone. Try keeping a feelings journal where you write down events from your day and reflect on how they affected you. If naming emotions is difficult, use tools like emotion charts, color-coded systems, or body awareness techniques to help you track sensations and patterns. You don’t have to have the perfect words—just learning to notice and validate what you feel is a powerful form of self-connection.
Understanding your sensory profile is another way to deepen your self-awareness. Your relationship with sensory input—textures, sounds, lights, movement, and even taste—plays a big role in shaping how you experience the world. Many of us have been conditioned to tolerate sensory discomfort to fit in, whether it was forcing eye contact, wearing itchy clothes, enduring loud environments, or suppressing our need to stim. Give yourself permission to pay attention to what feels good and what feels overwhelming. Do you love the feel of soft blankets? Does fluorescent lighting make you anxious? Do certain sounds instantly relax you? Sensory self-awareness can help you design a life that supports your comfort rather than constantly pushing through distress.
Exploring your interests and passions can also help you build a stronger connection to yourself. Many neurodivergent people have deep, consuming interests that bring them joy and purpose. However, if you’ve spent years masking, you may have lost touch with the things that once excited you. Give yourself space to rekindle past interests or explore new ones without worrying about productivity or social approval. Let yourself get excited, deep-dive into research, and engage in activities that make you feel energized. Your interests are not “too much”—they are a core part of who you are.
Identifying your needs and boundaries is another essential part of self-discovery. Many neurodivergent people have spent their lives accommodating others at the expense of their own well-being. We have been taught to put others’ comfort above our own, to endure overstimulation, to suppress our natural communication styles, and to push through exhaustion. But recognizing what you need to thrive is an act of self-acceptance. Ask yourself: What environments help me feel safe? What drains my energy? What social interactions feel fulfilling, and which ones feel forced?Learning to set boundaries—whether that means declining plans when you’re overstimulated, advocating for accommodations, or expressing your communication preferences—is an important step toward self-trust and self-respect.
Another key part of knowing yourself is embracing your unique way of thinking. Many neurodivergent people experience the world differently—whether that’s through nonlinear thinking, deep pattern recognition, associative memory, or an unconventional sense of humor. Unfortunately, traditional education and workplace environments often frame these differences as deficits. But your way of processing the world is valuable. Instead of trying to think like everyone else, lean into your natural cognitive strengths. Whether you are a visual thinker, an intuitive problem solver, or someone who hyper-focuses on details others miss, recognize that your mind works in ways that are uniquely powerful.
Finally, finding community can be one of the most transformative parts of self-discovery. Many of us grew up feeling isolated, as if we were the only ones struggling with these experiences. But connecting with other neurodivergent individuals—whether online or in person—can be deeply validating. It allows you to see yourself reflected in others, to unlearn harmful internalized beliefs, and to build relationships where you don’t have to mask or explain yourself. You are not alone in this journey. There is an entire community of people who understand, who share similar struggles, and who are also on the path toward embracing their full, authentic selves.
Knowing yourself as a neurodivergent person is a lifelong process. It is about peeling back the layers of masking, unlearning societal expectations, and reconnecting with what has always been true about you. Some days, it will feel empowering. Other days, it may feel confusing or overwhelming. But every step you take toward understanding and accepting yourself is a step toward a more fulfilling, more authentic life. You are not broken. You have always been whole. And you deserve to know yourself—not just who the world told you to be, but the person you’ve always been beneath it all.