Reclaiming Your Autonomy: Understanding and Unlearning People-Pleasing as a Neurodivergent Person
Bridgette Hamstead
Many neurodivergent individuals, particularly autistic and ADHD people, have spent a lifetime engaging in people-pleasing behaviors, often without even realizing it. The deep-rooted urge to accommodate others, to anticipate their needs, and to suppress personal discomfort for the sake of harmony is not simply a personality trait. It is a survival mechanism. For those who have been misunderstood, dismissed, or told—implicitly or explicitly—that they must change themselves to be accepted, people-pleasing becomes a way to navigate a world that was not built with them in mind. The weight of these expectations can be crushing, leading to burnout, loss of identity, and an ongoing struggle to understand where social conditioning ends and genuine selfhood begins.
People-pleasing in neurodivergent individuals is closely tied to masking, the process of camouflaging natural traits, behaviors, and reactions to appear more neurotypical. While masking is often associated with suppressing stimming, forcing eye contact, or mirroring social behaviors, it frequently extends into emotional suppression as well. Many neurodivergent people learn early in life that their natural way of thinking, feeling, or communicating is inconvenient for others. This leads to a pattern of prioritizing the emotions and expectations of others over personal needs, suppressing boundaries, and bending over backward to avoid conflict or discomfort in social situations. Over time, this behavior becomes ingrained to the point where it feels automatic, leaving individuals disconnected from their own desires and exhausted from the constant effort of managing the emotions of those around them.
The roots of people-pleasing often stretch back to childhood. Many neurodivergent children are raised in environments that emphasize compliance over self-expression. In school, they may be praised for being "quiet and well-behaved" even when they are struggling internally. At home, they may receive the message—subtly or directly—that their needs are excessive, that their emotions are too intense, or that advocating for themselves is "being difficult." If an autistic child is constantly told to stop asking so many questions, to stop correcting inaccuracies, or to just "go with the flow," they may begin to internalize the idea that their curiosity and honesty are burdensome. If an ADHD child is frequently reprimanded for talking too much, moving too much, or interrupting, they may learn that silence and suppression are the only ways to be accepted. By the time these individuals reach adulthood, people-pleasing is no longer just a behavior—it becomes a deeply ingrained part of their identity.
Unlearning people-pleasing requires both self-awareness and intentional action. The first step is recognizing when and why these patterns emerge. Many neurodivergent individuals experience a physical response when they anticipate disappointing someone—a tightening in the chest, a racing heart, a rush of anxiety. These reactions are often automatic, triggered by years of conditioning that has linked personal boundaries with rejection or conflict. Taking note of these moments and asking, "Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I am afraid of what will happen if I say no?" can help untangle the difference between authentic choice and conditioned compliance.
Reconnecting with personal needs and desires is a vital part of breaking free from people-pleasing. Many neurodivergent individuals struggle to identify what they truly want after years of prioritizing others. Engaging in small acts of self-trust—choosing what to eat based on personal preference rather than what others want, selecting a hobby or activity purely for personal enjoyment without worrying about productivity, or allowing oneself to rest without guilt—can begin the process of reclaiming autonomy. These may seem like small shifts, but they are radical acts for someone who has spent a lifetime believing their needs are secondary.
Setting boundaries is another crucial step, though it can feel daunting at first. Many neurodivergent people have internalized the idea that saying no is rude, selfish, or damaging to relationships. In reality, boundaries are not walls designed to keep people out—they are guidelines that protect well-being and foster healthier, more sustainable relationships. Learning to say, "I can’t commit to that right now," or "I need some time to think before I agree," allows for space to make decisions based on genuine capacity rather than obligation. Boundaries also mean recognizing that discomfort is not the same as harm. Disappointing someone or saying no may feel uncomfortable, but it does not mean that harm has been done.
Self-compassion is essential throughout this process. Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about suddenly becoming assertive or unshakably confident overnight. It is a gradual process, full of setbacks and self-doubt. Many neurodivergent individuals experience guilt when they begin prioritizing themselves, fearing that they are being inconsiderate or selfish. These feelings are normal, but they are not necessarily true. It is possible to be kind and considerate while also respecting personal limits. It is possible to care about others while also caring about oneself.
The fear of rejection is often one of the biggest obstacles to overcoming people-pleasing. Many neurodivergent individuals have experienced friendships, jobs, or relationships that required them to suppress their needs to be tolerated. The truth is, some people may respond negatively when neurodivergent individuals begin asserting themselves. However, those who truly value and respect a person will adjust, even if it takes time. Relationships that can only exist when one person sacrifices their comfort are not healthy relationships. In the end, unlearning people-pleasing is about cultivating an environment where authenticity is not only possible but welcomed.
Healing from a lifetime of people-pleasing is an ongoing process, one that involves both deep internal work and practical, everyday shifts in behavior. It means learning to sit with the discomfort of unmet expectations. It means practicing self-advocacy, even when it feels unnatural. It means making space for personal needs without justification. The ultimate goal is not to become someone different, but rather to return to oneself—to embrace a way of existing in the world that is based on authenticity rather than appeasement. It is a journey toward self-trust, self-acceptance, and the radical belief that neurodivergent individuals have the right to take up space exactly as they are.