Why Autistic Adults Struggle to Feel “Grown-Up

Bridgette Hamstead

Many autistic adults describe feeling as though they have never truly "grown up," even well into adulthood. This feeling is not about immaturity or a lack of intelligence, but rather about the ways in which society defines adulthood and the expectations placed on individuals to meet certain milestones. Autistic people often experience life at a different pace, navigating the world through a lens that does not always align with neurotypical norms. From struggling with executive functioning and financial independence to feeling out of sync with peers who seem to effortlessly move through the expected stages of adulthood, many autistic individuals find themselves questioning why they still feel like they are waiting to grow up.

One of the most significant factors contributing to this feeling is the rigid social script that defines what it means to be an adult. Society expects people to follow a linear path that includes finishing school, establishing a career, forming relationships, starting a family, and maintaining financial stability. These milestones are often used as markers of maturity, success, and adulthood. However, for many autistic people, these paths are not as straightforward. Executive functioning challenges can make it difficult to manage responsibilities like paying bills, maintaining a home, or organizing daily life in the way neurotypical adults are expected to. Many autistic people struggle with tasks that seem simple to others, such as making phone calls, scheduling appointments, or managing paperwork. These difficulties are not due to laziness or a lack of intelligence but rather the way autistic brains process information, manage transitions, and handle stress.

Social expectations surrounding adulthood also contribute to the disconnect many autistic people feel. Relationships, both romantic and platonic, are often seen as key markers of adulthood, yet navigating social dynamics can be exhausting and confusing for autistic individuals. Many autistic adults struggle with forming and maintaining friendships due to differences in communication styles, sensory sensitivities, or difficulty understanding social nuances. In a world where adulthood is often defined by social roles—being a spouse, a parent, or part of a close-knit community—those who struggle with social connection may feel like they are missing an essential part of what it means to be an adult. This can lead to feelings of isolation and self-doubt, as autistic people compare themselves to their neurotypical peers who seem to naturally move through social expectations without the same level of effort or anxiety.

Employment is another area where many autistic people struggle to feel "grown-up." The traditional workplace is often designed with neurotypical norms in mind, prioritizing social networking, verbal communication, multitasking, and high-pressure environments. Many autistic adults face discrimination, workplace bullying, and a lack of accommodations that make it difficult to maintain stable employment. Some cycle through jobs, unable to find a workplace that values their skills while also accommodating their needs. Others find themselves stuck in entry-level positions despite their intelligence and capabilities, unable to navigate the social politics necessary for advancement. Without financial stability or career progression, many autistic adults feel like they are falling behind their peers who are building successful careers, buying homes, and achieving traditional measures of success.

For many autistic people, childhood and adolescence were times of structure, where schedules were set by school systems and routines were established by parents or caregivers. Transitioning into adulthood, where self-management becomes necessary, can feel overwhelming and unstructured. Many autistic adults thrive in predictable environments but struggle when faced with the constant decision-making and uncertainty that comes with independent living. Without clear guidance or support, tasks like meal planning, budgeting, and maintaining a household can feel daunting. The expectation that all adults should be able to handle these responsibilities effortlessly contributes to the feeling that autistic individuals are somehow "behind" or not truly adults.

Sensory sensitivities and special interests also play a role in the perception of maturity. Many autistic adults continue to engage in activities, hobbies, or routines that are often labeled as "childish" by neurotypical standards. Whether it is a deep love for animated films, collecting stuffed animals, or engaging in repetitive sensory activities, autistic individuals often find comfort in things that neurotypical society associates with childhood. However, these interests are not a sign of immaturity but rather a form of self-regulation, joy, and identity. The societal expectation that adulthood means giving up certain passions or modes of expression can make autistic individuals feel like they are out of place, even when these activities bring them comfort and fulfillment.

The concept of independence is another major factor that affects how autistic adults perceive their level of adulthood. Many autistic people require support in certain areas of life, whether it is living with family longer than expected, relying on others for help with daily tasks, or needing accommodations in order to function effectively. Society tends to equate independence with success, often framing those who need support as failing to meet the standards of adulthood. This ignores the fact that everyone, regardless of neurotype, relies on systems of support in different ways. The pressure to be fully independent, without acknowledging the challenges that come with being autistic in a world not designed for neurodivergent individuals, contributes to the feeling of being "stuck" in a stage of life that does not align with societal expectations.

Another overlooked aspect of why autistic adults struggle to feel grown-up is the emotional and psychological toll of masking. Many autistic individuals spend years camouflaging their traits, trying to fit into neurotypical environments at great personal cost. This constant effort to suppress natural behaviors, adjust communication styles, and meet societal expectations can create a sense of detachment from one's own identity. When autistic adults are forced to focus so much energy on appearing "normal," they may not have the time or emotional capacity to fully engage with the traditional markers of adulthood. The energy spent on surviving in a neurotypical world leaves little room for personal growth, self-exploration, and confidence in one's own path.

The perception of not feeling grown-up is not about a lack of capability or effort. It is a reflection of how society defines adulthood in ways that do not account for neurodivergent experiences. Many autistic adults have developed their own unique ways of navigating the world, finding success, and creating meaningful lives, yet these alternative paths are often unrecognized or undervalued by a society that prioritizes traditional milestones. The key to shifting this perception is recognizing that adulthood is not a one-size-fits-all experience. There is no single timeline for success, no universal way of being an adult, and no rule that states independence, social status, or career progression are the only measures of maturity.

For autistic adults struggling with these feelings, it is important to reframe the definition of adulthood in ways that align with personal strengths, needs, and realities. Success does not have to look like what society dictates. Finding stability, creating routines that work, maintaining fulfilling relationships in whatever form they take, and engaging in interests that bring joy are all valid markers of a meaningful adult life. Adulthood should not be about conforming to a rigid set of expectations but about building a life that is sustainable, authentic, and fulfilling on an individual level. Autistic people are not failing to be adults; they are navigating a world that was not built with them in mind, forging their own paths in ways that deserve recognition and respect.