Breaking Free from Expectations: How Society's Norms Affect Autistic Women

Bridgette Hamstead

Society often imposes rigid expectations on how individuals should behave, communicate, and present themselves, and for autistic women, these norms can be especially challenging. From an early age, many autistic women are taught to mask their traits in order to fit into neurotypical environments, conform to societal standards, and avoid standing out. This pressure to suppress their true selves can lead to emotional exhaustion, mental health challenges, and a sense of disconnect from their identity. In this article, we'll explore the societal expectations placed on autistic women, the concept of masking, and strategies for navigating these pressures while staying true to oneself.

1. The Pressure to Mask

For many autistic women, masking begins early in life. Masking refers to the practice of hiding or suppressing autistic traits to blend in with neurotypical peers. This can include forcing eye contact, mimicking social behaviors, or suppressing stimming (self-soothing movements like rocking or tapping). While masking may help women navigate social situations and meet societal expectations, it comes at a cost.

• Emotional Toll: Constantly masking can lead to feelings of burnout, anxiety, and depression as autistic women expend immense mental energy trying to present themselves in a way that aligns with neurotypical norms.

• Loss of Authenticity: The pressure to mask often causes women to feel disconnected from their true selves, as they may feel they must hide their natural tendencies to avoid judgment or misunderstanding.

• Internalized Ableism: Societal expectations can also lead to internalized ableism, where autistic women begin to believe that their natural behaviors are wrong or need to be "fixed" in order to be accepted.

2. Societal Standards and Stereotypes

Autistic women face additional challenges due to the intersection of societal expectations of both gender and neurotypical behavior. Some of these include:

• Gender Norms: Women, in general, are often expected to be nurturing, social, and emotionally intuitive. For autistic women, who may process emotions and social interactions differently, these expectations can be particularly burdensome. They may feel pressure to fit into traditional gender roles, despite these roles being misaligned with their natural tendencies.

• Social Expectations: Society tends to value extroversion, quick responses, and fluid social interactions. Autistic women may struggle with these expectations, feeling out of place in social environments that demand constant engagement, small talk, or rapid shifts in conversation.

• Career and Family Expectations: Autistic women may also experience societal pressure to excel in traditional career paths or fulfill expected roles in relationships or family life, even if these norms don't align with their personal goals or comfort zones.

3. The Impact of Masking and Conformity

While masking may seem like a necessary survival mechanism for navigating society, it can have profound negative effects on mental health and well-being:

• Burnout: Many autistic women experience burnout after years of suppressing their authentic selves. This can manifest as chronic fatigue, emotional numbness, and a loss of motivation. Burnout can also make it harder for women to maintain relationships, careers, or hobbies.

• Mental Health Challenges: The constant pressure to meet societal expectations can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. The fear of being "found out" or judged can be overwhelming, as can the frustration of not being able to live authentically.

• Lost Opportunities for Authentic Connection: When women mask or conform to societal expectations, they may miss out on opportunities to form genuine connections with others who appreciate them for who they truly are.

4. Strategies for Navigating Societal Pressure

While it can be difficult to break free from the expectations imposed by society, autistic women can take steps to embrace their true selves and challenge the norms that do not serve them:

• Practice Self-Acceptance: One of the most important steps is learning to accept and embrace one's neurodivergent traits. This involves recognizing that being different is not a flaw but a strength. Self-acceptance can begin with understanding that you do not need to meet neurotypical or gendered expectations to be worthy of respect and belonging.

• Selective Masking: Instead of completely abandoning masking, some women find it helpful to use selective masking. This involves consciously choosing when and where to mask based on the situation. For example, masking may be used in professional settings where there is a need for specific social norms, while in personal spaces, women can feel more free to be themselves.

• Create a Supportive Community: Surrounding oneself with a community that understands and embraces neurodiversity can be incredibly empowering. This might include joining support groups for autistic women, connecting with others who share similar experiences, or finding mentors who have navigated these challenges.

• Set Boundaries: Learning to set boundaries in personal and professional environments can be a powerful tool. Autistic women should feel empowered to advocate for their needs, whether it’s taking time for breaks, limiting social engagements, or seeking accommodations in the workplace.

• Seek Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy: Working with a therapist who understands and supports neurodiversity can help autistic women process the emotional toll of societal expectations and develop coping strategies that prioritize mental health and authenticity.

5. Redefining Success on Your Own Terms

Ultimately, breaking free from societal expectations means redefining success and fulfillment on your own terms. Autistic women can challenge the idea that they need to meet neurotypical standards to be successful or happy. Instead, success can be measured by personal growth, living authentically, and building meaningful relationships based on acceptance and mutual understanding.

Conclusion

Society’s expectations of autistic women—whether related to masking, social norms, or traditional gender roles—can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. However, by embracing self-acceptance, seeking supportive communities, and challenging the need to conform, autistic women can begin to break free from these pressures and live more authentically. Empowering autistic women to recognize their unique strengths and contributions, rather than forcing them to fit into rigid societal molds, is key to fostering a more inclusive and understanding world.