"You Don’t Seem Autistic": The Harm of Policing Neurodivergent Identities
Bridgette Hamstead
For many autistic individuals, hearing the phrase "You don’t seem autistic" is a common and frustrating experience. It is often intended as a compliment, meant to reassure the autistic person that they are perceived as "normal" or socially competent. However, this statement is not a compliment—it is invalidating, dismissive, and rooted in harmful stereotypes about what autism is supposed to look like. It reinforces the misconception that autism is a singular, visible condition rather than a broad and diverse spectrum of experiences.
The assumption behind "You don’t seem autistic" is that autism presents in an obvious, stereotypical way. Many people, particularly those unfamiliar with the neurodiversity movement, still associate autism with outdated, deficit-based portrayals: the nonverbal child who avoids eye contact, the socially oblivious savant, or the individual with overtly "quirky" behaviors. These narrow depictions do not account for the vast range of autistic experiences, particularly for those who have learned to mask their traits, who do not fit the white, male diagnostic model, or whose struggles are less immediately visible to outsiders.
The Impact of Masking and the Hidden Struggles of Autism
One of the reasons people may not "seem" autistic is masking—the act of suppressing or altering natural autistic behaviors to fit into neurotypical society. Many autistic individuals, especially those diagnosed later in life, have spent years or even decades learning to camouflage their autistic traits. This often involves forcing eye contact, memorizing social scripts, suppressing stimming behaviors, and closely analyzing social interactions to avoid standing out. Masking is mentally and emotionally exhausting, often leading to burnout, anxiety, and depression.
When someone says, "You don’t seem autistic," they are often unknowingly praising an autistic person’s ability to mask. This reinforces the harmful idea that autistic people must perform neurotypical behaviors to be accepted. It also disregards the effort and toll that masking takes on an individual’s well-being. Instead of acknowledging the complexity of autism, this phrase implies that autistic people should continue to suppress their true selves in order to be perceived as "normal."
The Stereotypes Behind "You Don’t Seem Autistic"
This statement is deeply rooted in outdated and ableist stereotypes about autism. Many people still believe that autism is a childhood condition that primarily affects boys. The diagnostic criteria historically favored white, cisgender males, meaning that many autistic women, nonbinary people, and people of color were overlooked or misdiagnosed.
Because of these biases, autistic people who do not fit the stereotypical profile—those who are articulate, socially engaged, or capable of holding a job—are often met with skepticism when they disclose their diagnosis. This skepticism reinforces harmful myths that:
Autism is always immediately obvious.
Autistic people lack emotions or empathy.
If someone is successful, verbal, or independent, they cannot be autistic.
Autism only looks a certain way and does not exist outside of rigid stereotypes.
These misconceptions erase the realities of countless autistic individuals whose struggles may not be externally visible but are still deeply impactful.
The Emotional Toll of Being Dismissed
Hearing "You don’t seem autistic" can be deeply invalidating. Many autistic individuals spend years questioning their identity, often due to societal messaging that tells them they do not fit the expected mold of autism. A late diagnosis often comes with a mix of relief and grief—relief at finally having an explanation for lifelong struggles, and grief for the years spent without understanding or support.
When someone dismisses an autistic person’s diagnosis, they are essentially gaslighting them—suggesting that they do not truly understand their own lived experience. This can lead to increased self-doubt, hesitation in seeking accommodations, and feelings of isolation. Instead of feeling seen and accepted, autistic individuals are forced to justify their identity to those who refuse to accept autism in all its diversity.
Why Autism Acceptance Must Move Beyond Stereotypes
True autism acceptance requires moving beyond surface-level awareness and actively challenging the stereotypes that underpin statements like "You don’t seem autistic." Neurodivergence exists on a spectrum, and no two autistic people are the same. Some may be outgoing and socially engaged; others may struggle with verbal communication. Some may have strong sensory sensitivities, while others may not. There is no singular, correct way to be autistic.
Acceptance means recognizing that autism is not defined by how apparent it is to outsiders. It means believing autistic individuals when they share their experiences, rather than measuring them against outdated diagnostic models. It also means creating environments where autistic people feel safe to unmask, to stim freely, to communicate in their own ways, and to exist as they are without fear of invalidation or skepticism.
What to Say Instead
If someone shares that they are autistic, the best response is simple: believe them. Instead of saying, "You don’t seem autistic," consider responding with:
"Thank you for sharing that with me."
"I’d love to learn more about what autism means for you."
"I appreciate you trusting me with that. Let me know how I can support you."
These responses acknowledge an autistic person’s identity without skepticism or invalidation. They foster an environment of acceptance rather than reinforcing ableist narratives about what autism is supposed to look like.
Embracing Autism in All Its Forms
"You don’t seem autistic" may seem like a harmless statement, but it is rooted in a long history of stereotypes, misunderstandings, and dismissal of neurodivergent identities. Autism is not always visible, and it does not have a singular presentation. Every autistic person experiences the world in a unique way, and their identity should not be measured against outdated, neurotypical expectations.
The goal of true autism acceptance is to create a world where autistic people do not have to justify their existence, where they do not have to mask to be accepted, and where their identities are respected in all their complexity. The next time someone shares that they are autistic, the best thing to do is simple: listen, believe them, and challenge the biases that make society expect autism to look a certain way. Only then can we move toward genuine understanding and inclusion.