How to Recover from Years of Internalized Ableism as a Neurodivergent Person

Bridgette Hamstead

Internalized ableism is a deeply ingrained belief that disability or neurodivergence is inherently inferior, shameful, or something to be fixed. It develops over years of exposure to societal messages that frame neurodivergence as a problem rather than a natural variation of human cognition and experience. For neurodivergent individuals—autistic people, those with ADHD, dyslexic individuals, and others—internalized ableism can manifest as self-doubt, guilt, perfectionism, masking, and a persistent feeling of being “not enough.” Undoing the effects of years of internalized ableism is not easy, but it is possible. Recovery requires intentional unlearning, self-acceptance, and the creation of a life that honors one’s neurodivergent needs rather than suppressing them.

One of the first steps in recovering from internalized ableism is recognizing how deeply these messages have shaped one’s self-perception. Many neurodivergent individuals have spent their entire lives being told, either explicitly or implicitly, that they are “too much,” “not trying hard enough,” or “lazy.” These messages often come from teachers, parents, peers, employers, and the media, reinforcing the idea that neurodivergent traits—such as struggling with executive function, needing extra processing time, or communicating differently—are flaws rather than differences. Because these beliefs are so pervasive, they often go unchallenged, leading neurodivergent individuals to assume that their difficulties stem from personal failure rather than systemic inaccessibility. A crucial part of recovery is learning to separate personal identity from the narratives imposed by an ableist society.

Unlearning internalized ableism also means confronting the ways in which neurodivergent individuals have been conditioned to mask their true selves. Masking—the practice of suppressing or altering neurodivergent traits to appear more neurotypical—is a survival mechanism that many neurodivergent people adopt from a young age. This might include forcing eye contact, suppressing stimming, mimicking social behaviors that feel unnatural, or overcompensating for executive function struggles by working twice as hard as neurotypical peers. While masking can be necessary for navigating inaccessible environments, it is also exhausting and often leads to burnout, anxiety, and a loss of self-identity. Part of recovery involves gradually unmasking in safe spaces, allowing neurodivergent traits to exist without fear of judgment or rejection. This process is deeply personal and looks different for everyone; some may start by allowing themselves to stim freely at home, while others might begin advocating for accommodations in their workplace.

Another critical aspect of healing from internalized ableism is reframing neurodivergence as a valid and valuable way of experiencing the world. Society often defines success and competence based on neurotypical standards, which leads neurodivergent individuals to feel as though they are failing when they struggle with tasks that are easy for others. However, neurodivergence comes with its own strengths—many autistic individuals have deep, passionate interests and a unique ability to see patterns that others miss, while many ADHD individuals excel in creative problem-solving, innovation, and hyperfocus. Shifting the narrative from “I am broken” to “I have strengths and challenges, just like everyone else” is a necessary part of recovery. Engaging with neurodiversity-affirming literature, connecting with other neurodivergent individuals, and seeking out spaces that celebrate neurodivergence can help in building a more positive self-perception.

Setting boundaries is another key component of undoing internalized ableism. Many neurodivergent individuals struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, which often stem from a lifetime of being expected to conform to neurotypical expectations. Whether it’s forcing oneself to engage in draining social interactions, pushing through executive dysfunction without rest, or ignoring sensory needs to accommodate others, these behaviors reinforce the idea that neurodivergent comfort and well-being are less important than meeting societal expectations. Learning to say no, asking for accommodations without guilt, and prioritizing rest are all ways to challenge internalized ableism and affirm one’s right to exist as a neurodivergent person without justification.

A significant part of healing is also allowing space for grief. Many neurodivergent individuals experience profound grief when they begin to process how much they have struggled due to systemic ableism, rather than personal failure. There is often grief for the years lost to burnout, for the relationships that ended due to misunderstandings, for the childhood where they were constantly punished for traits they couldn’t control, or for the dreams they abandoned because the world was not built to support them. This grief is valid and necessary to acknowledge. However, it is also important to recognize that moving forward does not mean erasing the past but rather learning from it and creating a future that aligns with one’s authentic self.

Community plays a vital role in recovering from internalized ableism. Many neurodivergent individuals grow up feeling isolated, believing they are the only ones struggling in the ways that they do. Connecting with other neurodivergent people—whether through online forums, local support groups, or neurodivergent-led spaces—can be incredibly validating. Hearing others share similar experiences and realizing that they are not alone can be a turning point in the healing process. Being in neurodivergent-affirming spaces allows individuals to exist without judgment and to see examples of thriving neurodivergent adults who have embraced their identities.

Forgiving oneself is one of the most challenging but necessary parts of healing. Many neurodivergent individuals are extremely hard on themselves, internalizing the blame for years of struggling to fit into a system that was never designed for them. They may feel frustrated for not realizing their neurodivergence sooner or for masking for so long. They may carry shame for past failures or for times when they were unable to meet expectations. It is important to acknowledge that survival is not failure. Every coping mechanism, every mask, every exhausted attempt to function in an ableist world was a method of survival. Instead of holding onto self-blame, it is essential to extend self-compassion and recognize that every version of oneself—past and present—deserves kindness.

Recovering from internalized ableism is not a linear process. There will be moments of self-acceptance and moments of doubt, periods of unmasking followed by moments of retreat, and days of confidence mixed with days of exhaustion. The goal is not perfection but progress—progress in unlearning harmful narratives, in embracing neurodivergence without apology, and in building a life that supports rather than suppresses neurodivergent needs. Each step taken toward self-acceptance is a step toward a more fulfilling, authentic existence. Society may not always be accommodating, but neurodivergent individuals can create spaces of acceptance within themselves and their communities. Learning to see oneself as whole, valuable, and worthy—just as they are—is the most powerful form of resistance against ableism.