How to Stop Masking (When You’ve Done It Your Whole Life)

Bridgette Hamstead

Masking is a survival strategy that many neurodivergent individuals learn early in life. From childhood, you may have realized that certain behaviors, reactions, or ways of expressing yourself were met with disapproval, confusion, or even outright rejection. Maybe you were told to "make eye contact," "stop fidgeting," "speak up more," or "tone it down." Over time, these repeated corrections can lead to the deeply ingrained belief that who you are naturally is not acceptable. So, you adapt. You suppress the parts of yourself that seem to make others uncomfortable, consciously or unconsciously shaping your personality to better fit neurotypical expectations. This is masking, and while it often helps neurodivergent people navigate social and professional spaces, it comes at a significant cost.

Masking is exhausting. It requires constant monitoring of your behavior, second-guessing your responses, and suppressing natural instincts just to appear "normal." For many, it leads to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-identity. When you have spent your entire life masking, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is truly youand what is an adaptation you have developed for survival. But unmasking is possible, and though it is not always easy, it is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself. Unmasking does not mean disregarding all social expectations or throwing yourself into situations that feel unsafe. It is about gradually, intentionally, and compassionately allowing yourself to exist as you are, without the constant pressure to conform.

One of the first steps in unmasking is recognizing when and how you mask. For some, masking is so ingrained that it happens automatically, making it difficult to identify. Taking time to reflect on when you feel most exhausted or disconnected from yourself can offer clues. Do you feel drained after social interactions, even with people you like? Do you carefully rehearse what you are going to say before speaking? Do you mirror the tone, expressions, or body language of those around you to fit in? These are common signs of masking. Noticing your masking behaviors is not about judging yourself for using them; it is about building awareness so you can make conscious choices about when and how you want to unmask.

Once you recognize your masking patterns, the next step is to begin unmasking in safe spaces. Unmasking is not an all-or-nothing process. It is important to acknowledge that in certain environments, masking may still be necessary for safety, stability, or self-protection. The goal is not to force yourself into situations where unmasking feels unsafe but rather to find spaces where you can gradually let your guard down. This might start with allowing yourself to stim freely at home, communicating in ways that feel natural with trusted friends, or expressing your interests without filtering yourself for fear of seeming "too much." Small steps in safe environments can help rebuild a sense of self-trust and confidence in your authenticity.

For many neurodivergent individuals, unmasking also involves reconnecting with parts of themselves that were suppressed for years. This can be both exciting and painful. Maybe there were interests you abandoned because they were seen as "childish" or "weird." Maybe there were sensory preferences you ignored because they didn’t align with social expectations. Rediscovering these parts of yourself can feel like a return to something that was always there but hidden away. If you used to love certain textures, sounds, or activities but stopped engaging with them because they seemed "socially unacceptable," allowing yourself to reintroduce them into your life can be a powerful act of self-acceptance.

One of the biggest fears that many neurodivergent people have about unmasking is how others will react. You might worry that if you stop suppressing your natural ways of being, people will judge you, reject you, or find you difficult to understand. While some people in your life may struggle to adjust, others may surprise you with their acceptance. Finding people who genuinely accept and support you as you are is a crucial part of the unmasking process. This can mean seeking out neurodivergent community spaces, connecting with people who share similar experiences, or even having open conversations with loved ones about what unmasking means for you. Not everyone will understand, and that is okay. The goal is not to gain universal acceptance but to surround yourself with people who respect and appreciate you for who you are.

Unmasking also requires deep self-compassion. If you have spent your entire life masking, it is because you needed to. It was a strategy that helped you navigate an often unaccommodating world. There is no shame in that. Many neurodivergent individuals experience grief when they begin unmasking, realizing how much of their life was spent trying to be someone they were not. This grief is valid. It is okay to mourn the years lost to masking while also celebrating the freedom that comes with shedding it. Healing from the impact of masking takes time, and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.

For those who have built their entire identity around masking, the idea of unmasking can feel disorienting. If you have spent years performing a version of yourself that was more acceptable to others, you might wonder who you are without the mask. This is why unmasking is not just about stopping certain behaviors but about actively discovering and embracing who you are beneath them. It might help to keep a journal, explore new or old interests, or spend time reflecting on what feels most natural and fulfilling to you. You do not have to know exactly who you are right away. Unmasking is a process of exploration, self-acceptance, and learning to exist in ways that feel right for you.

Another challenge in unmasking is balancing authenticity with the realities of the world. While the ultimate goal is to be your full, unmasked self, there are situations where masking is still necessary for self-protection, professional stability, or social ease. The difference is that when you are unmasking on your own terms, you get to choose when and how you do it. Masking becomes a tool rather than an automatic, inescapable burden. Knowing that you can unmask when you choose to, rather than feeling like you have to mask at all times, can be an empowering shift.

The journey of unmasking is deeply personal. There is no deadline, no checklist, and no single way to do it. Some days will feel freeing and full of self-acceptance. Other days may feel confusing, overwhelming, or even isolating. That is okay. The important thing is to give yourself permission to move at your own pace. You have spent years surviving in a world that was not built with your needs in mind. Now, you get to create a space for yourself where you do not have to perform, suppress, or hide.

Unmasking is not just about reclaiming who you are. It is about recognizing that you were never broken, never wrong, and never less worthy of acceptance. The version of you that was masked was never fake—it was a version of you that was trying to navigate an ableist world the best way it knew how. Now, you have the opportunity to step into a life where you can exist fully, freely, and without apology. You deserve that.