How Schools Teach Neurodivergent Kids to Hate Themselves (And How We Can Stop It)
Bridgette Hamstead
For many neurodivergent children, school is not a place of learning and growth but one of struggle, frustration, and shame. From the moment they enter the education system, autistic and ADHD students are expected to conform to rigid expectations that do not take their needs into account. They are told to sit still when their bodies need movement, to focus in environments that overwhelm their senses, and to socialize in ways that feel unnatural to them. When they fail to meet these impossible standards, they are punished—labeled as disruptive, lazy, or defiant. Over time, these constant messages of failure teach neurodivergent children not just that they are struggling in school, but that something is fundamentally wrong with them. Instead of being taught to understand and embrace their differences, they learn to see themselves as broken, difficult, or inadequate.
The education system is built around neurotypical norms, which means that when neurodivergent students struggle, they are blamed for not trying hard enough rather than supported in ways that align with their needs. Autistic students are often expected to sit through long lectures without accommodations for sensory sensitivities, processing differences, or alternative ways of learning. ADHD students are frequently reprimanded for fidgeting, getting out of their seats, or struggling with executive function tasks like organizing materials and turning in homework on time. Instead of recognizing that these behaviors are natural expressions of how their brains work, teachers and administrators treat them as behavioral problems that need to be corrected. This approach leads to cycles of punishment, where neurodivergent children are disciplined for things they cannot control rather than given the tools and flexibility they need to succeed.
One of the most damaging aspects of the education system for neurodivergent students is the constant emphasis on compliance over actual learning. Many autistic and ADHD children are told that the key to success is simply to follow the rules, no matter how unreasonable or harmful those rules might be. They are pushed to make eye contact, to sit still for hours, to suppress stimming behaviors that help them regulate, and to work in group settings even when they learn better alone. When they struggle with these demands, they are often met with detentions, suspensions, or even isolation in "special" classrooms where they are further marginalized. This teaches them that their ability to conform is more important than their ability to understand the material being taught. It also sends the message that their natural ways of thinking, learning, and existing are wrong.
Punishment for neurodivergent traits can take many forms, some of them subtle and some of them overt. Some students are sent to the principal’s office repeatedly for behavior that would be overlooked in neurotypical children. Others are forced into behavior charts, color-coded systems, or public shaming techniques that make them feel like failures every time they struggle with impulse control or emotional regulation. Some are denied recess or other breaks as a consequence for fidgeting or being unable to sit quietly, even though movement is often essential for their ability to focus and self-regulate. Over time, these repeated experiences reinforce a sense of self-loathing. They begin to internalize the idea that they are inherently disruptive, that their needs are unreasonable, and that their struggles are a personal failing rather than a mismatch between them and the environment they are placed in.
The way neurodivergent students are treated in school does not just affect their academic success; it also impacts their mental health in profound ways. Studies have shown that autistic and ADHD children face higher rates of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem compared to their neurotypical peers. Many of these struggles stem from the constant invalidation they experience in school, where their best efforts are never good enough and where they are expected to change fundamental aspects of themselves to be accepted. This emotional toll can last well into adulthood. Many late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adults look back on their school years with feelings of anger, grief, and regret, recognizing that they were never given the support they needed to thrive. Instead of being encouraged to develop their strengths, they were made to feel like failures for struggling in an environment that was never designed for them.
If we want to stop teaching neurodivergent children to hate themselves, we need to fundamentally change the way schools approach education. The first step is recognizing that neurodivergence is not a behavioral issue but a natural variation in how brains function. Instead of forcing neurodivergent students to conform to neurotypical expectations, we need to create learning environments that are flexible and accommodating. This means providing movement breaks for students who need them, allowing alternative methods of demonstrating knowledge for students who struggle with traditional tests and assignments, and ensuring that sensory-friendly spaces are available for students who become overwhelmed. It also means training educators to recognize the signs of neurodivergence and to respond with support rather than punishment.
Another critical shift that needs to happen is the way schools approach discipline. Instead of relying on punitive measures that shame and isolate neurodivergent students, educators should use approaches rooted in understanding and collaboration. Restorative justice practices, for example, allow students to learn from mistakes in a way that builds self-awareness and emotional regulation rather than reinforcing feelings of failure. Trauma-informed education models recognize that many neurodivergent students have experienced repeated invalidation and seek to create environments where they feel safe and supported. The goal should not be to make neurodivergent students fit into an inflexible system, but to build an education system that adapts to the needs of all learners.
In addition to changing the structure of the classroom, we also need to change the conversation around neurodivergence in education. Too often, the narrative focuses on the challenges neurodivergent students face rather than on their strengths. Autistic and ADHD students bring unique perspectives, creative problem-solving skills, and deep, passionate engagement with the topics that interest them. Instead of seeing their differences as obstacles to overcome, schools should be fostering environments where those differences are valued. By moving away from a deficit-based model of education and toward an approach that centers neurodivergent strengths, we can help students build confidence rather than self-doubt.
The way we educate neurodivergent children shapes how they see themselves for the rest of their lives. If we continue to force them into systems that punish them for being who they are, we will continue to see generations of autistic and ADHD adults struggling with self-worth, anxiety, and burnout. But if we make changes—real, meaningful changes—we can create schools where neurodivergent students do not have to fight to be understood. We can build classrooms where they are supported, where their strengths are nurtured, and where they are allowed to learn in ways that align with their needs. When we do this, we are not just improving education for neurodivergent children. We are helping them build a future where they do not have to spend years unlearning the belief that they are broken. We are showing them that they are enough exactly as they are.
Recommendations for Supporting Neurodivergent Students in Schools
Creating an inclusive and supportive learning environment for autistic and ADHD students requires fundamental changes in how schools approach education, discipline, and accommodations. Here are key recommendations for fostering an environment where neurodivergent students can thrive:
1. Shift from a Compliance-Based Model to a Needs-Based Model
Instead of prioritizing rigid rules and conformity, schools should focus on meeting students where they are. This means allowing for flexible seating, movement breaks, and accommodations that acknowledge different learning styles rather than punishing students for struggling in traditional environments.
2. Provide Sensory-Friendly Classrooms
Neurodivergent students often experience sensory sensitivities that impact their ability to focus and learn. Schools should offer quiet spaces, noise-reducing headphones, natural lighting options, and the ability to use fidget tools without stigma. Ensuring that sensory-friendly spaces are available can make a major difference in reducing overwhelm and supporting self-regulation.
3. Rethink Discipline and Stop Punishing Neurodivergent Traits
Schools should eliminate behavior charts, public shaming, and punitive discipline methods that disproportionately harm autistic and ADHD students. Instead of punishing students for fidgeting, struggling with transitions, or needing extra processing time, educators should use restorative and trauma-informed approaches that support self-regulation and problem-solving skills.
4. Train Teachers and Staff in Neurodiversity-Affirming Education
Educators should be trained in recognizing the signs of neurodivergence and responding with support rather than discipline. Professional development should include strategies for executive functioning challenges, sensory needs, and communication differences to ensure teachers can provide meaningful accommodations rather than relying on a one-size-fits-all approach.
5. Allow Alternative Ways of Demonstrating Learning
Traditional testing and rigid assignment structures do not work for all students. Schools should allow for multiple ways of assessing knowledge, such as oral responses, video submissions, creative projects, or open-book assessments. This ensures that neurodivergent students can showcase their strengths rather than being penalized for struggling with standardized formats.
6. Incorporate Movement Breaks and Flexible Learning Structures
Expecting ADHD students to sit still for hours at a time is unrealistic and counterproductive. Movement should be built into the school day, whether through flexible seating, standing desks, or the option to take short breaks during long instruction periods. This benefits not only neurodivergent students but the entire classroom by improving focus and engagement.
7. Stop Forcing Eye Contact and Other Social Norms
For many autistic students, eye contact can be overwhelming or distracting. Teachers should respect alternative ways of engaging in conversations, such as listening while looking away or using written communication. Social skills should be taught in an affirming way, recognizing different communication styles rather than forcing neurodivergent students to mimic neurotypical behavior.
8. Support Executive Functioning Differences with Practical Strategies
Neurodivergent students often struggle with organization, time management, and transitioning between tasks. Providing checklists, visual schedules, time reminders, and clear instructions can help reduce frustration and anxiety. Offering structured support rather than assuming students "just need to try harder" makes a significant difference in their ability to succeed.
9. Encourage Strength-Based Learning and Student-Led Interests
Instead of viewing autistic and ADHD students’ passions as distractions, schools should integrate student-led interests into the learning process. Allowing students to explore topics that excite them leads to higher engagement, deeper learning, and greater confidence in their abilities.
10. Foster a Culture of Acceptance and Understanding
Schools should actively promote neurodiversity acceptance among students, teachers, and parents. This includes educating students about neurodivergence, modeling inclusive practices, and ensuring that neurodivergent students feel valued for who they are rather than pressured to change. Celebrating neurodivergent strengths and contributions within the school community can help shift the culture from one of stigma to one of support.
By making these changes, schools can stop teaching neurodivergent students to feel ashamed of who they are and instead create environments where all students—regardless of how their brains work—are supported, respected, and given the tools to succeed.