Masking Is Not a Social Skill—It’s a Survival Mechanism
Bridgette Hamstead
Masking is not a harmless social skill. It is not simply learning how to navigate the world with more ease or adjusting behaviors to fit different situations. For autistic and ADHD people, masking is a survival mechanism. It is something we learn early, often before we even have words to describe it. It is the way we make ourselves smaller, quieter, more acceptable to the people around us. It is how we hide our stimming, suppress our natural ways of communicating, and force ourselves to endure situations that are overwhelming and exhausting. It is the skill that allows us to blend in, to avoid bullying, to get through school and work without being punished for simply being ourselves. But masking comes at a cost, and that cost is far greater than most people realize.
Many of us start masking in childhood because we are given clear signals that our natural behaviors are not welcome. We are told to stop fidgeting, to sit still, to look people in the eyes when they talk to us. We are taught that our reactions are too much, that we should not be so sensitive, that we should speak up more but not too much, that we should smile even when we do not feel like it. We learn that when we show distress, people become frustrated or annoyed. When we express our needs, they are dismissed. When we struggle, we are told we are not trying hard enough. Over time, we begin to internalize the message that who we are is not enough, that we must change to be accepted.
As we get older, masking becomes second nature. It is not a conscious choice but something we do automatically because experience has taught us that it is safer than being fully ourselves. We mimic social cues, rehearse conversations in our heads before speaking, and carefully modulate our tone so that we do not sound too blunt or too detached. We force ourselves to tolerate environments that are overwhelming, even when our nervous system is screaming for relief. We learn to nod along in conversations even when we do not fully understand, to hold back our excitement about special interests so that we do not seem too intense, to hide our exhaustion when socializing drains us beyond what we can handle. We become experts at performing neurotypicality, and the world rewards us for it. But this reward comes at the cost of our authenticity, our well-being, and often, our mental health.
Masking is exhausting in ways that are difficult to describe. It is not just the effort of constantly monitoring our own behavior, but the weight of living a life that does not fully belong to us. It is the constant second-guessing, the fear of slipping up, the anxiety of not getting it right. It is the loneliness of knowing that the version of ourselves that people accept is not the real version, that the friendships and relationships we build are often based on a persona rather than who we actually are. Many of us reach adulthood with no real sense of self because we have spent so many years being who we thought we were supposed to be rather than who we actually are.
The long-term effects of masking are profound. Many autistic and ADHD adults experience chronic burnout, anxiety, depression, and identity confusion as a result of years of masking. The stress of constantly suppressing who we are takes a toll on our nervous system, leading to physical exhaustion, frequent shutdowns, and an overall sense of depletion. Some of us reach a point where we can no longer mask at all, where the effort becomes too great, and we completely shut down. Others develop intense social anxiety because we are so used to overanalyzing every interaction that being around people no longer feels safe. Many of us struggle with relationships because we do not know how to let people see the real version of ourselves, or we fear that if we do, they will leave.
One of the most painful aspects of masking is the way it affects our relationships. When we mask, we are not truly letting people in. We are filtering ourselves, presenting only what feels safe, and often, that means keeping our true thoughts, feelings, and needs hidden. We might seem easygoing when in reality, we are just too afraid to say no. We might appear to enjoy social events when in reality, we are barely holding on and will need days to recover. We might seem like we understand jokes and sarcasm when in reality, we are guessing and hoping we do not get it wrong. When relationships are built on this kind of performance, they are fragile. We end up in friendships, jobs, and even marriages that do not fully accommodate who we are because we never showed those parts of ourselves in the first place.
Unmasking is difficult, especially when we have spent our entire lives believing that masking is the only way to survive. It is not as simple as just deciding to be ourselves. It requires undoing years of conditioning, learning to recognize when we are masking, and slowly allowing ourselves to exist without the constant pressure to perform. It is a process of self-acceptance, but also one of grief. Many of us grieve the years we spent pretending, the friendships and opportunities we lost because we were too afraid to be authentic, the parts of ourselves we hid for so long that we do not even know how to access them anymore.
The world makes it hard for autistic and ADHD people to unmask because it still demands that we conform. Many of us cannot fully unmask in workplaces without risking our jobs. Some of us cannot unmask with family members who do not understand. But finding small ways to unmask can be life-changing. Letting ourselves stim when we need to, saying no when something is too much, allowing ourselves to engage with our special interests without shame, setting boundaries with people who drain us, seeking out relationships where we do not have to pretend. These small acts of unmasking add up, and over time, they help us rebuild a life that actually fits who we are.
Masking is not a social skill. It is a survival mechanism that many of us learned because we had no other choice. But survival is not the same as thriving. We deserve more than just making it through the day. We deserve to exist in a world that accepts us as we are, without the pressure to be anything else.
Suggestions for Recognizing and Reducing Masking
Notice When You Are Masking
Pay attention to moments when you feel like you are performing rather than being yourself. Are you forcing eye contact, suppressing stimming, or scripting conversations? Noticing these patterns is the first step toward unmasking.Allow Yourself to Stim Freely
Stimming is a natural way to regulate emotions and sensory input. If you have been suppressing it, try allowing yourself to stim in safe environments. Small steps like tapping your fingers, rocking, or using a fidget tool can make a big difference in comfort.Practice Setting Boundaries
If you have been saying yes to things because you feel like you "should," start practicing saying no. Your time and energy are valuable, and you do not need to overextend yourself to be liked or accepted.Find Safe Spaces to Unmask
You may not be able to unmask everywhere, but having at least one place where you can be fully yourself is important. This might be at home, with close friends, or in neurodivergent community spaces.Engage in Your Special Interests Without Shame
If you have been hiding or downplaying your deep interests to seem more "normal," give yourself permission to fully enjoy them. Special interests are a source of joy, regulation, and identity, and they deserve to be celebrated.Limit Social Situations That Require Heavy Masking
Some environments require more masking than others. If a certain setting or relationship consistently drains you, consider whether it is necessary or if adjustments can be made to reduce the demand.Be Honest About Your Needs
If social events, work environments, or certain sensory experiences are overwhelming, advocate for accommodations. You do not have to push through discomfort just to meet neurotypical expectations.Reframe Social Skills as Communication Preferences
Instead of seeing eye contact, small talk, or tone modulation as things you "must" do, think of them as optional tools. Use them when they serve you, but recognize that your natural communication style is just as valid.Seek Out Relationships Where You Feel Safe Unmasking
Surround yourself with people who accept you as you are, without expecting you to perform or suppress your natural behaviors. Real connections happen when you can be your authentic self.Be Kind to Yourself as You Unmask
Unmasking is a process, and it takes time to undo years of learned behaviors. There may be moments of discomfort or fear, but each step toward authenticity is a step toward a life that truly fits who you are.