Unmasking: Why It’s Harder Than It Sounds & What to Expect
Bridgette Hamstead
Unmasking is often described as a journey toward authenticity, a process of shedding the behaviors and coping mechanisms we developed to navigate a neurotypical world. It is supposed to be freeing, a way to reclaim our identities and exist as our true selves without fear or exhaustion. While this is true in many ways, the reality is that unmasking is far more complicated than simply deciding to stop hiding. It is not a switch that can be flipped overnight. For many of us, masking has been a lifelong survival strategy, something we developed out of necessity rather than choice. Letting go of it is not just difficult; it can feel disorienting, risky, and even painful.
One of the biggest challenges of unmasking is that it often forces us to confront just how deeply ingrained our masking behaviors have become. Many of us have been masking for so long that we no longer know where the mask ends and where our true selves begin. We may have spent years suppressing natural stims, forcing eye contact, or carefully scripting social interactions to fit in. These behaviors become second nature, making it difficult to distinguish which parts of our personality are truly ours and which were adopted to make us seem more acceptable to others. This realization can bring up feelings of grief and confusion, as we try to piece together an identity that has been buried beneath layers of adaptation.
Unmasking can also feel risky because the world is not always kind to those who are visibly different. Many of us started masking as a way to protect ourselves from bullying, discrimination, or social exclusion. When we begin to unmask, we may find that people react negatively to our natural behaviors. Friends, family, and colleagues who are used to the masked version of us may struggle to accept the changes. Some may question why we are “acting differently,” while others may dismiss our unmasking as attention-seeking or unnecessary. In professional settings, letting go of masking behaviors can lead to misunderstandings, microaggressions, or even job insecurity. The reality is that the world still operates on neurotypical standards, and those of us who unmask do so knowing that acceptance is not guaranteed.
Another challenge of unmasking is the emotional toll it takes. Masking is exhausting, but it also provides a sense of control. When we mask, we know what to expect. We have rehearsed the conversations, analyzed the body language, and learned how to present ourselves in a way that minimizes judgment. Unmasking removes that layer of control, making social interactions feel more unpredictable. Without the safety net of masking, we may become more aware of just how much effort it takes to communicate in a world that does not accommodate us. This can lead to an initial increase in social anxiety, self-doubt, and feelings of vulnerability. Instead of feeling liberated right away, unmasking can sometimes feel like stepping into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory.
For those of us who are late-diagnosed or have spent years masking without realizing it, unmasking can bring up unresolved emotions about the past. We may begin to recognize the ways we forced ourselves to fit into spaces that were not meant for us. We may grieve the years we spent trying to be someone we were not, pushing through burnout, and internalizing the idea that we were broken or not enough. We may also feel anger toward the systems that failed us, the people who dismissed our struggles, and the lack of understanding we received when we needed support the most. These emotions are valid, but they can be overwhelming, especially when they come all at once.
Despite these challenges, unmasking is not just about hardship. It is also about discovery, growth, and finding new ways to exist more comfortably in the world. As we unmask, we begin to learn what truly feels good for us. We may find joy in stimming, relief in allowing ourselves to step away from social interactions when we are overwhelmed, and empowerment in setting boundaries that honor our needs. We start to notice what environments feel safe and what relationships allow us to be ourselves without fear of judgment. While unmasking can be difficult, it also opens the door to a deeper understanding of who we are beyond the expectations that have been placed on us.
It is important to approach unmasking with patience and self-compassion. There is no right or wrong way to do it, and there is no set timeline. Some of us may unmask in certain areas of our lives while continuing to mask in others. For example, we may feel safe unmasking around close friends but continue masking at work to avoid professional consequences. Others may find that they need to unmask gradually, experimenting with small changes rather than making sudden shifts. There is also no obligation to unmask completely. For some of us, certain masking behaviors are necessary for safety, stability, or personal comfort. The goal is not to force ourselves into an idealized version of authenticity but rather to find a balance that works for us.
Support and community can make a significant difference in the unmasking process. Being around other neurodivergent individuals who understand our experiences can provide a sense of validation and encouragement. Online communities, support groups, and neurodivergent-led spaces offer opportunities to share struggles, celebrate small victories, and learn from others who are navigating similar journeys. Having people who affirm our experiences can make the challenges of unmasking feel less isolating and remind us that we are not alone.
Unmasking is a deeply personal and often complex process. It requires us to unlearn years of conditioning, navigate social and professional risks, and process emotions we may not have fully understood before. It is not always easy, and it does not always feel like a straightforward path to self-acceptance. But with time, support, and self-compassion, unmasking can lead to a life that feels more sustainable, more aligned with our needs, and more reflective of who we truly are.
Helpful Tips for Navigating Unmasking as a Neurodivergent Adult
Acknowledge That Unmasking is a Process – It takes time to unlearn masking behaviors, and there is no need to rush. Give yourself permission to go at your own pace.
Identify Where You Feel Safe Unmasking – Start in environments where you feel comfortable, such as with close friends, online communities, or at home, before expanding to other areas of life.
Experiment with Small Changes First – If unmasking feels overwhelming, try making gradual shifts, like allowing yourself to stim more, reducing social scripting, or taking breaks when needed.
Notice What Feels Authentic – Pay attention to what makes you feel more at ease, whether it’s the way you communicate, move, or engage with your interests without filtering yourself.
Expect Mixed Reactions from Others – Some people may not understand your unmasking journey and may question why you are "acting differently." Prepare for this possibility and focus on those who support you.
Allow Yourself to Grieve the Past – It is normal to feel sadness, frustration, or anger about the years spent masking or the support you never received. These emotions are valid and part of the healing process.
Recognize the Social and Professional Risks – In some situations, masking may still be necessary for safety, job security, or personal comfort. Unmasking does not have to be all or nothing.
Practice Self-Compassion – Remind yourself that you were masking for a reason, and it was a survival strategy. There is no shame in having masked, and there is no shame in continuing to do so when needed.
Seek Out Neurodivergent Community and Support – Connecting with others who are also unmasking can provide validation, encouragement, and a sense of belonging. Online forums, peer support groups, and neurodivergent-led spaces can be helpful.
Reframe Authenticity as What Feels Right for You – Being yourself does not mean forcing yourself to unmask in ways that feel uncomfortable. It means honoring your needs, embracing your neurodivergent traits, and finding balance in your daily life.
Advocate for Your Needs When Possible – If unmasking helps you identify accommodations that would improve your well-being at work, school, or in social settings, consider advocating for those supports.
Recognize That Setbacks Are Normal – Some days you may feel comfortable unmasking, and other days you may revert to old habits. This is natural and does not mean you are failing.
Prioritize Rest and Recovery – Unmasking can be emotionally and physically exhausting, especially after years of suppression. Allow yourself time to rest and recharge when needed.
Learn to Set Boundaries – Unmasking often reveals areas where you have been overextending yourself to meet neurotypical expectations. Practice saying no and setting limits to protect your energy.
Celebrate Your Progress – Even small steps toward unmasking are meaningful. Recognize and appreciate the ways you are becoming more in tune with your true self.
Unmasking is a deeply personal journey, and there is no one right way to do it. The goal is not to force yourself into a new version of authenticity but to create a life where you can exist more comfortably as yourself.
Resource List for Unmasking and Neurodivergent Self-Acceptance
Neurodivergent-Affirming Communities and Support Networks
Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN) – A neurodivergent-led organization advocating for autistic rights, inclusion, and self-acceptance. autisticadvocacy.org
NeuroClastic – A collective of autistic writers and advocates providing personal insights and educational resources on neurodivergence. neuroclastic.com
ADHD Alien – An engaging platform with comics and articles explaining ADHD and unmasking in a relatable way. adhdalien.com
Spoonie Village – A community space supporting neurodivergent and disabled individuals in unmasking and self-care. spoonievillage.com
Books on Unmasking, Neurodiversity, and Self-Acceptance
“Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity” by Dr. Devon Price – A powerful exploration of autistic masking and the journey to self-acceptance.
“Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed for You” by Jenara Nerenberg – A look at neurodivergent women and the impact of masking in daily life.
“Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity” by Steve Silberman – A deep dive into the history and evolution of autism and neurodiversity.
“Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha” by Tara Brach – While not neurodivergent-specific, this book offers guidance on self-compassion and embracing one’s authentic self.
Online Self-Assessment Tools for Understanding Masking & Neurodivergence
Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) Test – A screening tool assessing autistic traits in adults. autismresearchcentre.com
RAADS-R Test – A self-assessment for autism, especially helpful for late-diagnosed individuals. embrace-autism.com
CAT-Q (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire) – Measures masking tendencies in autistic individuals. embrace-autism.com/cat-q
ADHD Self-Report Screening (ASRS) – A widely used self-screening tool for ADHD. add.org/adhd-test
Social Media & Blogs from Neurodivergent Advocates
@Neurodivergent_Insights (Instagram) – Infographics and research-based content on neurodivergence and mental health. instagram.com/neurodivergent_insights
@NeurodivergentRebel (Instagram & YouTube) – A self-advocate sharing experiences with autism and unmasking. neurodivergentrebel.com
Yo Samdy Sam (YouTube) – A late-diagnosed autistic adult discussing masking, burnout, and self-acceptance. youtube.com/YoSamdySam
The Autistic Life (Blog) – Articles and guides on unmasking, self-advocacy, and autistic experiences. theautisticlife.com
Therapeutic and Mental Health Resources
Open Path Collective – A network of therapists offering low-cost services, including neurodivergent-affirming therapy. openpathcollective.org
Inclusive Therapists – A directory of therapists specializing in neurodivergence, disability, and intersectional identities. inclusivetherapists.com
Therapy for Black Girls – A mental health resource connecting Black women to culturally competent therapists, including those specializing in neurodivergence. therapyforblackgirls.com
The Trevor Project – Mental health support and crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ neurodivergent individuals. thetrevorproject.org
Workplace & Educational Accommodations Without Formal Diagnosis
Job Accommodation Network (JAN) – Free guidance on workplace accommodations for neurodivergent employees. askjan.org
Understood.org – A resource hub for workplace and educational advocacy for neurodivergent individuals. understood.org
WrightsLaw – A legal resource for understanding disability rights, accommodations, and educational access. wrightslaw.com
Unmasking is a deeply personal journey, and having access to the right resources can make it easier to navigate. Whether you are exploring your neurodivergence, looking for community, or seeking validation, these tools can support you in embracing your authentic self.