Unpacking ‘Internalized Ableism’ in Neurodivergent Adults
Bridgette Hamstead
Internalized ableism is a deeply ingrained belief system that many neurodivergent adults struggle with, often without even realizing it. It develops over years of living in a society that prioritizes neurotypical ways of thinking, communicating, and functioning while devaluing those who diverge from these norms. For neurodivergent individuals, internalized ableism manifests as feelings of shame, self-doubt, and a relentless drive to mask or suppress natural traits in order to appear more acceptable to the world. It can be one of the most damaging and persistent barriers to self-acceptance, leading to burnout, mental health struggles, and a deep disconnect from one's own identity.
Many neurodivergent adults grow up without knowing they are neurodivergent. They may be diagnosed later in life or remain undiagnosed, all while struggling with challenges that others seem to navigate effortlessly. Throughout childhood and adolescence, they receive countless messages that their way of thinking, learning, and socializing is wrong. They may be scolded for not making eye contact, criticized for hyperfixating on topics of interest, or told they need to "just try harder" when struggling with executive function tasks. These repeated experiences create a sense of failure, convincing neurodivergent individuals that their struggles are personal shortcomings rather than the result of living in an inaccessible world. Over time, they begin to believe that their worth is tied to how well they can suppress their natural tendencies and appear more neurotypical.
The workplace is one of the most common environments where internalized ableism shows up. Many neurodivergent adults push themselves to the brink of exhaustion trying to meet expectations that were never designed with them in mind. They may force themselves to sit through long meetings without stimming, suppress their need for breaks, or take on overwhelming workloads to prove they are just as capable as their neurotypical colleagues. This constant pressure to conform leads to burnout, yet many neurodivergent individuals blame themselves for struggling rather than recognizing that the system itself is flawed. They may feel guilty for needing accommodations, believing that asking for help is a sign of weakness rather than a necessary step toward sustainability. The desire to be seen as competent and capable often overrides the need for self-care, reinforcing the harmful belief that success is only valid if it comes at the cost of their well-being.
Social interactions also become a battleground for internalized ableism. Many neurodivergent adults feel intense pressure to engage in small talk, maintain eye contact, or suppress natural speech patterns to fit into expected social norms. They may feel ashamed for struggling with social exhaustion after spending time in groups, blaming themselves for not being more outgoing or sociable. Even within friendships and relationships, they may second-guess their communication styles, feeling that they need to mirror neurotypical behavior to be accepted. The result is a constant cycle of self-monitoring and self-criticism, where every perceived social misstep is seen as proof of personal failure rather than an indication of a difference in communication style.
Education plays a significant role in shaping internalized ableism, as many neurodivergent individuals experience years of struggling within a system that does not accommodate them. They may have been labeled as lazy for not completing assignments on time, despite struggling with executive dysfunction. They may have been told they were disruptive for needing movement or sensory input to focus. These messages do not disappear in adulthood but instead transform into an ingrained belief that they are inherently deficient. Even after receiving a diagnosis, many neurodivergent adults carry guilt for their past struggles, believing that they should have been able to "just push through" rather than recognizing that they were placed in environments that never met their needs.
The concept of productivity is another area where internalized ableism thrives. Society places immense value on efficiency, output, and the ability to work long hours without rest. Neurodivergent individuals who struggle with fluctuating energy levels, executive dysfunction, or sensory overload often feel inadequate in comparison to these unrealistic standards. They may equate their worth with how much they can accomplish in a day, feeling guilty when they need rest or accommodations. This internalized belief system can make it difficult to embrace alternative ways of working that align with their natural strengths and rhythms. The idea that taking breaks is unproductive or that needing support is a failure is a direct result of living in a world that prioritizes productivity over well-being.
Even within the neurodivergent community, internalized ableism can be difficult to unlearn. Many adults who receive a late diagnosis struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling as though they are not "autistic enough" or "disabled enough" to claim their identity. They may compare themselves to others and convince themselves that their struggles are not valid because they have been able to mask or achieve certain milestones. This mindset ignores the reality that neurodivergence presents in many different ways and that masking does not mean an individual is any less autistic or ADHD. The idea that one must reach a certain threshold of struggle to deserve accommodations or self-acceptance is a harmful byproduct of ableist thinking.
Unpacking internalized ableism is not easy, as it requires challenging years of ingrained beliefs and societal messaging. The first step is recognizing that these thoughts are not objective truths but rather the result of an ableist culture that prioritizes conformity over diversity. Learning to identify and question negative self-perceptions can be a powerful way to break free from internalized shame. Seeking out neurodivergent-affirming spaces, whether online or in-person, can also help in reshaping perspectives. Being around others who share similar experiences can reinforce the idea that neurodivergence is not a flaw but a natural variation in how brains function.
Another key aspect of unlearning internalized ableism is practicing self-compassion. Many neurodivergent individuals hold themselves to impossibly high standards, expecting themselves to function in ways that go against their natural needs. Allowing oneself to rest without guilt, setting boundaries without shame, and acknowledging that accommodations are not a luxury but a necessity can be transformative. Self-acceptance is not about ignoring challenges but about recognizing that struggling does not make someone less worthy of respect and support.
Ultimately, addressing internalized ableism is an ongoing process. It is about undoing years of harmful messaging and learning to exist in a way that honors one’s neurodivergent identity rather than suppressing it. It requires challenging not only personal beliefs but also societal structures that reinforce ableist norms. By recognizing that support needs are valid, that rest is essential, and that self-worth is not tied to productivity, neurodivergent adults can begin to move toward a more affirming and sustainable way of living.
Ways for Autistic People to Unpack and Overcome Internalized Ableism
Recognize That Internalized Ableism Exists – Acknowledge that feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy about being autistic are not personal failures but the result of living in an ableist society.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk – When thoughts arise that suggest you are "not trying hard enough" or "not autistic enough," question where those beliefs come from and whether they are rooted in ableist expectations.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others – Every autistic person has unique strengths and challenges. Your struggles and needs are valid, even if they look different from someone else’s.
Give Yourself Permission to Rest – Rest is not laziness. Autistic burnout is real, and taking breaks when needed is necessary for long-term well-being.
Stop Masking When Possible – Practice being yourself in safe environments where you do not have to suppress stimming, avoid special interests, or force yourself to mimic neurotypical behaviors.
Reframe Accommodations as Essential, Not a Luxury – Using tools, supports, or accommodations is not "cheating" or a sign of weakness. They are valid and necessary to help you function in a world that was not designed for you.
Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions – Autistic people are often told they are "too sensitive" or "overreacting." Your emotions are real, valid, and deserving of space.
Surround Yourself with Neurodivergent-Affirming Spaces – Seek out autistic-led communities where you can engage with others who understand and respect your experiences.
Educate Yourself on the Social Model of Disability – Understanding that disability is largely created by societal barriers rather than individual limitations can help shift your perspective on self-worth.
Reject the Productivity Myth – Your value is not based on how much you can produce or achieve. Being autistic is not something that needs to be "earned" through overwork or proving your competence.
Advocate for Your Needs Without Guilt – Whether it’s in the workplace, school, or relationships, asking for support or accommodations is a right, not a burden.
Celebrate Your Autistic Identity – Engage with your special interests, honor your sensory needs, and recognize that your way of thinking and existing in the world is valuable.
Let Go of the Need to Apologize for Being Different – You do not owe anyone an explanation for being yourself. You deserve to exist as you are, without shame.
Work on Setting Boundaries – Saying no, stepping away from overwhelming situations, and prioritizing your needs is an act of self-care, not selfishness.
Seek Out Therapy or Support From Neurodivergent-Affirming Professionals – If possible, work with therapists or coaches who understand autism from a strengths-based perspective rather than a deficit model.
Allow Yourself to Unmask at Your Own Pace – Unlearning internalized ableism is a process. Take your time in letting go of societal expectations and embracing your true self.
Remind Yourself That Struggling Does Not Mean You Are Failing – Needing help, experiencing burnout, or facing challenges does not make you any less worthy. You are doing the best you can in a world that often does not accommodate your needs.
Reject the Idea That You Have to “Overcome” Autism – You do not need to prove yourself by meeting neurotypical expectations. Your worth is not dependent on how well you can "pass" or "succeed" in neurotypical spaces.
Engage in Self-Compassion Practices – Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a fellow autistic person struggling with internalized ableism.
Recognize That You Deserve to Exist Exactly as You Are – Being autistic is not something to fix or hide. You are valuable, worthy, and enough just as you are.