How to Talk to Family Members Who Dismiss Your Diagnosis or Self-Identification
Bridgette Hamstead
One of the most painful experiences for many neurodivergent individuals is having their diagnosis or self-identification dismissed by family members. Whether someone has been formally diagnosed or has self-identified based on extensive research and lived experience, family rejection can be invalidating and distressing. Many neurodivergent individuals turn to their loved ones hoping for understanding and support, only to be met with skepticism, denial, or outright dismissal. Family members may question the legitimacy of neurodivergent experiences, misunderstand what autism, ADHD, or other neurodivergent conditions actually entail, or cling to outdated stereotypes. Navigating these conversations can be emotionally exhausting, but with the right strategies, it is possible to set boundaries, provide education, and protect one’s well-being in the process.
Understanding why family members dismiss neurodivergence can help in responding to their skepticism. Some may believe outdated stereotypes about autism and ADHD, assuming that neurodivergence only looks a certain way—such as the hyperactive boy with ADHD or the nonverbal child with autism. Others may struggle with their own internalized ableism, believing that a diagnosis means something is “wrong” with their loved one, rather than understanding neurodivergence as a natural variation in human cognition. Some parents and older relatives may take a diagnosis or self-identification personally, seeing it as a reflection on their parenting or feeling guilt for not recognizing it earlier. Additionally, cultural beliefs about disability and mental health can influence how family members react, with some cultures viewing neurodivergence as something to hide, deny, or avoid discussing.
When preparing to talk to a dismissive family member, it can be helpful to approach the conversation with clear goals. Some individuals seek validation and support, while others may want to educate their family to create a more accepting environment. Before engaging, it is important to assess what outcome is most important and whether the person in question is open to a meaningful discussion. In some cases, it may not be worth the emotional toll to try to change a resistant family member’s mind, and setting boundaries or limiting conversations about neurodivergence may be the best option.
Providing factual information in a calm and clear manner can sometimes help in these conversations. Many people dismiss neurodivergence simply because they do not understand it, and presenting evidence-based resources can counteract misinformation. It can be helpful to explain that autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergent conditions are neurological differences, not character flaws or behavioral issues. Sharing personal experiences and how they align with diagnostic criteria or research can help bridge the gap between abstract knowledge and lived reality. However, it is also important to recognize that not all family members will be receptive to facts, particularly if they are emotionally resistant to the idea of neurodivergence.
For those who self-identify rather than having a formal diagnosis, conversations may be even more challenging. Some family members may believe that only a professional diagnosis is valid, disregarding the many systemic barriers that prevent people from obtaining one. In these situations, emphasizing the validity of self-identification and the real-life impact of neurodivergence can help. Explaining the difficulties of access to diagnosis—such as financial costs, medical bias, and the lack of providers trained to recognize autism and ADHD in adults, women, and people of color—can highlight why formal diagnosis is not always an option. Additionally, reminding family members that diagnosis is not just about a label, but about understanding oneself and seeking the right support, may shift the focus from proving legitimacy to fostering empathy.
Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with family members who refuse to accept a diagnosis or self-identification. If conversations become repetitive, invalidating, or outright harmful, it may be necessary to limit discussions about neurodivergence altogether. Phrases such as, “I’m not going to debate my identity with you,” or, “I need you to respect my experiences, even if you don’t fully understand them,” can help reinforce boundaries without requiring ongoing justification. It is also okay to step away from relationships that are persistently invalidating, especially if they cause emotional harm. Protecting mental health should always take precedence over trying to win someone’s approval.
Finding alternative sources of support can help mitigate the pain of family dismissal. While family acceptance is ideal, it is not always possible, and building connections with neurodivergent communities, support groups, and understanding friends can provide the validation that may be missing from family relationships. Many autistic and ADHD individuals find belonging in online spaces where they can share experiences, seek advice, and connect with others who understand their struggles. Surrounding oneself with people who affirm neurodivergent identity can make family rejection less isolating and reinforce self-worth.
Ultimately, the decision to engage in conversations with dismissive family members should be based on emotional capacity and the likelihood of meaningful change. Some people may eventually come around with time and exposure to accurate information, while others may never fully accept neurodivergence. It is not the responsibility of neurodivergent individuals to educate unwilling family members at the cost of their own well-being. Embracing self-acceptance, fostering supportive connections, and advocating for personal needs are all valid ways to affirm neurodivergent identity, regardless of whether family members choose to understand. Recognizing that one’s experiences and identity are valid, with or without external approval, is one of the most powerful forms of self-advocacy.